name='keywords'/> WhiteOak's World: 2015

My Favorite Saying...

"Life is filled with magick, if we allow our eyes to see it"

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Snail Mail What is that?

*Laughs* I purposely used this photo of a very old trunk I took a photo of years ago.  When we think of snail mail today, it sort of reminds us of something ancient-old something from the past that is almost forgotten.  At least it does to me... today's world of technology is taking over and soon it makes you wonder if there will even be a need for humans in the future. Okay, that may be carrying it a little too far, but you get my point.

I remember how excited I use to get to go to the mailbox and there would be a letter in there for me from a friend I had not heard from forever it seemed.  I would open the letter and read it a few different times to make sure I understood everything that was being said. Perhaps I read it so many times because I missed that friend terribly!! By reading the letter, it seemed (in some small way) really good to know I was not forgotten.

I also remember opening snail mail letters that would often be letters of apologies perhaps from a friend I had not heard from in a long time because we stopped communicating for some unknown reason that neither of us could really explain. 

But here is what I do know, no matter how much time goes by, I will always become excited to open a letter that came to me via snail mail.  I miss the personal feelings from letters, it always felt nice to know someone cared enough to take a few minutes out of their busy life to write a note.

Call me old fashion, call me ancient, it does not matter, but I will never give up on things in life that matter to me from years gone by.  Besides, as long as it is important to me, nothing else matters!!

So my rant for today is this:  Remember how it made you feel to open a letter from the mailbox? You can make someone feel that same joy; by just taking a few minutes and writing a few sentences to let them know you are doing ok and hanging in there. Trust me, it will bring a smile to your friend's face.  

What are your thoughts on snail mail?

Saturday, October 17, 2015


I have been thinking a lot lately about happiness.  Every day we look around and we see people smiling, couples admiring each other, friends just enjoying each other.  And yet there are those who are looking through a window and often wonder how can someone be so happy?

They say in life that it is up to each of us to create our own happiness. Yet, I often look and wonder; how all of the people that we see that are so happy would be during life's tragic moments. I wonder how they would create their happiness being alone.

Of course, it is easy to laugh when you have someone to laugh with you. Of course, you are happy when you are sitting across from a loved one, with the candle glowing and the wine sparkling right before you make a toast together celebrating life's joys.

We hear stories of how couples will have traditions during the holidays, both laughing, playing, singing and dancing while decorating a tree. And yet, they say it is up to each of us to create our own happiness. And the question remains, would they be so happy if alone?

So in a sense, when it comes to happiness isn't most of the people you see that are so happy, those who have someone with them?  I have heard so many people  say  'of course they are happy'. But are they underneath?

Of course, you can be happy being wrapped in someone's arms, kissing and holding on to each other as if nothing in world mattered, except that moment in time.  But I suppose, there are several different kinds of happiness also. There are quick fixes when you are watching a television show and you laugh your ass off... or times when you find just the right item and purchase it because it was exactly what you had been looking for.  Or when you go to the store and try on something that are a couple sizes smaller which means you are losing those few extra pounds.  All of these are quick fixes.. happy moments that will soon be forgotten. Moments that truly does not mark anything special in life.

I remember when I was a teenager, I would look through magazines and wonder to myself what makes that person so happy?  We can daydream and wonder if that person really is happy or are they trying to convince their self they are? I was doing some research the other day about a syndrome I heard of, and within the research I read this article that said: "Fake it until it becomes real." Honest to goodness it truly said that...

If you stop and think about it, that could possibly work... okay, they say if you repeatedly do something for three weeks in a row it becomes a habit.  So if for three weeks you pretend you are happy, does that mean in three weeks you will be happy??

I don't know if that will work or not... but here is what I do know. The biggest part of life and being happy is when you have someone to be happy with. NO, you can not rely on that person to make you happy but it is the small tiny things you do together that creates this massive bundle of joy which equal happiness.  Find a happiness like that being alone ... I dare you! If you can, 'high five' to you, wanna share your experience? Comments are open, if are you willing to share your view?

Friday, August 21, 2015

What kind of Dream is this?

Grant you I have had some different kind of dreams but holy cow, this one has thrown me for a loop.  I fully understand our dreams can only be interpreted ourselves - because we are the ones that know the true meanings, but this one has me fully stumped.

So with the understanding of knowing that, I would truly appreciate any insight, thoughts or suggestions you may have in helping me to understand what kind of things this dream could mean.  I wrote out the parts that I could remember... and they are pretty much in order in which they happened.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts!!


"Talking to back door neighbors and they asked how I got so many hummingbirds to come to me. As I was gathering their feeders a dozen or so of the hummingbirds came to me and got tangled up in my hair.

There was a white cat with white kittens. Some of the kittens were soft cute and fluffy and the others were mangled, deformed and dead.  The mother cat was laying down feeding the healthy cats and after a few minutes a dolphins head appeared.

The mother cat was either eating the dolphins tongue or cleaning it.  I was trying desperately to find the telephone number for the animal shelters but couldn't find it.  The mother cat started to stuff the mangled kittens into the dolphins mouth.

The back door neighbors had a little fuzzy dog running around and Sweetie was following it and stopped listening to me. When I called for her, she ignored me. I did not want her to get around the cats and dolphin head.

I was in this apartment building that use to be a college or high school and the rooms were being rented out to small businesses. One of my friends (do not know who she was) rented a room and started to fill it with supplies and sectioned off a space with a screen and table so she could do energy work on people. "

Friday, July 3, 2015

When Love turns to Pity

I am not even sure love is the right word used here.. perhaps it should be more "Mind Games turns to Pity". Yeah, I like that a lot better.  I have written many different things about how people on the net pretend to be one thing and they turn out to be something else.  Afterwards, you look at the situation and you think, holy shit how could I have been that stupid!

The truth of the  matter ladies is: There are a lot of men (and women) that become these experts in Fu*king with people's mind because they do not have the guts to see the real the person they are (I wonder why).  They create this person in their mind they think they are and the whole person becomes this fictitious monster who preys on people's minds and hearts-very similar to a psychic vampire.  They make you believe all of this shit and as your are falling for them, they are sucking your energy dry!

Once you figure out what in the hell is going on, you look at the whole false relationship and all you can feel is pity for that person... and if they are married you feel sorry for their wife being so damn stupid thinking their husband is being faithful to them and all along the husband is a monster screwing around with many different people's hearts and mind. But here is the kicker, the wife stays in the relationship anyway because she believes in his bullshit lies-Poor stupid bitch!

The games people play... they lie, they lie some more and everything becomes this vicious ugly cycle.  All of the emotions becomes this pity that develops deep within that makes you wonder how could I have ever felt anything towards that person.  It makes you want to bathe in a smudge pot to cleanse your energy for ever allowing such a beast to come close to you.

RESEARCH the person who you think you may have feelings for especially if you meet them online.  I MEAN truly research the person.  Everything may appear to be fine until you receive a note from a wife you KNEW nothing about-but then more lies are told to you until you find out additional shit from other people he had done the same thing too. Actually several other people!  Just thinking of this person today makes my skin crawl... Ladies beware of a monster who claims to be one thing.. he is truly something completely different. 

All I can say is... Thank the Goddess and Divine for Karma.  What comes around goes around!! Always and Forever!

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Battle of Opening Up

In life, there are so many different kinds of people battling things that are so hard to explain. Often everything is kept inside and the energy builds.  The  emotions, anger, hurt, jealousy, envy... all related to EGO will soon  build to a powerful ball of energy that will eventually explode.

In reality, we are struck at times with lack of motivation, hurtful feelings from being lied too and all of these emotions turns into a poison inside and it will eventually explode and poison our system. m3meWhy do we let things like this happen? DO we let things like this happen? Are we all just puppets being lead around by a force unseen?  Who in the hell knows really.  The fact of life is we experience things that truly often we just do not understand.

There is one type of personality that is very much related to me.  I am such a private person that opening myself to someone or to a certain kind of emotional feeling is very hard to me.   Often by others I am seen as a strong independent woman, and to a  point I am.  I also have moments of weakness and sadness... and I feel lost.  Sometimes, I even get my 'brave' on and allow myself to feel certain emotions and/or allow people into my life because a higher part of myself wants so desperately to believe in things that are often only seen in fairy tales.

Sometimes I put myself in positions where I walk a double edge sword.  I fight myself to open up, and yet I fight myself to keep a distance.  I fight myself to allow people to love me, yet I fight them to push them away... all the time feeling such strong feelings that those feelings etch themselves into my soul.  I have shared this before with people.. if I say I love you, I will love you throughout life. I may not be in contact with you, I may even walk completely out of your life... but deep within my soul I will always love you.

Can you love more than one person at a time... of course you can.  But loving someone does not always mean you will let them in... a deep emotional, spiritual love is the love that washes through your soul like water running in a lake. That is the kind of love that you battle yourself in opening. Deep within you fear it will hurt you, yet it makes you feel so alive. Here is what I know without a doubt, you cannot love two people at the same time like this.  This is the  kind of love you guard yourself from and try to keep out. You do this because you do not want to be hurt yet you end up hurting anyway. 

No woman, nor man deserves to have to share that energy that love with another person.  To love someone, I mean to truly love someone you must be willing to open and allow that love in and flow through you like water into a lake. Never allow yourself to be second in anyone's life.. you are so much better than that.

One of the main things my late husband taught me was how to love a physical person unconditionally. With all of the beauty and ugliness of each individual the bottom line is love has no eyes.  When I fully allowed his love in (which in my case, unfortunately, was after he passed) I know now why I was faithful to him and he was to me... because we shared a love with each other that washed through us both.  The love/hate emotions we shared was indeed the water rushing into the lake.  The love was soft and smooth, yet rough and hard... but in the end, the love was real.  Once you feel that kind of love, that is when you will truly understand what I am saying

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Betrayal, Heartache and Evil

After I lost my husband to cancer this past November, I have had to put myself into therapy.  That is not a huge secret, I have written about it in some of my other articles- in hopes of it helping others.  I was truly making headway... I was finally beginning to forgive myself for things I had to say to my husband to make him feel  better.  I finally started to open up and allow myself to feel 'life' again.  But you take one step forward and a 100 steps back once betrayal enters the picture. 

One line I hate most in the world is: "just let it roll off your back like water does on a duck's back." Fuck that shit!  Lies, betrayal, heartache and evil all go together and it is not a matter of allowing water to roll off of your back like a duck, it is a matter of waking up and seeing fucking people for who they really are.  You think you have trust and respect for someone... baby, the world is full of con artist that can feed you so many lies, you have no choice but to believe them.  Even when in your inner most private heart area you know something is not right.... you still become star struck from all of the lies you are being fed.

In this kind of situation you want so much to just blame the other person, it is all of their fucking lies that put you where you are in this moment.  Why should any of it be my fault? Right, wrong, indifferent who gives a fuck... when you grow up wearing armor made of steel just to protect yourself against the idiots in the world... you build this comfort zone within and soon you stop allowing yourself to feel anything. But after years and years of wearing this armor... you try to step into the world again in hopes of feeling something.. anything positive. But  death, lies, disrespect, evil... they all wait around each corner you walk, just to give you a good dose of something to feel.

But that still doesn't answer the question does it? Why should other people's lies be my fault too? Because I fell stupid and believed I could trust someone again.  Lessons upon lessons upon lessons... it never stops.  If you get hurt, you want to hurt the other person too... the one thing I have actually learned is I personally do not have to anything.. karma, the divine, spirit guides.. who knows, they will take care of things for you. It may not be today or tomorrow.... but you can bet, it will catch up with you.  I have kissed that bastard too many times in my lifetime, so I know for a fact you cannot hide from it.  In some odd stupid way;  I almost feel sorry for those people... I know how bad the bastard can kick your ass.

Always remember this one thing if you never remember any other word I have written.... there is a huge difference between being dark and evil.  Every one of us has a little darkness in us... it is a balance, almost in a playful dark way.  Evil... well it is out to kill you and destroy any kind of hopes, dreams and light you have been searching for.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Once upon a time

Once upon a time, there use to be this thing called love. Then came along the internet, the world wide  lake of the internet; where there were trillion of fish swimming around.  Many, lonely people would take their fishing poles to the web and sit for just moments and caught more on their line than could ever be expressed.

As each person reeled in their catch all they could think about was I will love you forever and ever.  But once they looked over their shoulders and seen what the other people caught, they turned to look at their catch again and the words I will love you forever and ever became something else too sad to express.

Many fish have been thrown back into the world wide lake of the internet only to lay dormant on the bottom of the floor, in shocked, in pain, never wanting to surface again because of the heartache. In the world of cyber you can be anything you want, you can say anything you want, you can look any way you want. Think about it, who really knows except for you if what you are putting out there is real or pretend?

Many people will open their hearts, they actually get high from emotions that seem real but come to find out many things were only lies and deception.  Who is really the blame? Can we actually always blame the other person? Aren't WE at blame too... shouldn't we know better? Shouldn't we learn after hundreds of attempts to try and find true love from the world wide lake of the internet - that it is not always what it appears to be?

I think about things like this a lot.  I am just like millions of other women I have been reeled in with deceptions and lies, I have been hurt, cried many of nights over situations I had no control over.  I have found love and lost him to cancer - but even he lied to me in the very beginning.   So not everything that comes from the world wide lake of the internet is bullshit - sometimes things may have a little seaweed attached to them, but once you get passed that, sometimes you will find what you are looking for. 

I have been around the internet for many, many moons and have known many people and have actually met some in people-dated a few, married one.  Some the meetings were wonderful, some of them were not and yes, there has been a time or two I was somewhat scared.

The games that are played online are very sick.  What many people do not understand is online when we develop feelings, it is a spiritual connection... something that fully outweighs the physical part.  That is why we are hurt differently and yet more strongly than being hurt in person.  When you are messing with someone's spirit you are biting off more than you ever realize.

I left the web for a few years because I was sick of the lies, deception, hurt, and bullshit.  I have to admit, that has been rambling on in my mind again.  I am way too old to play games and besides to be a 100% honest I am not worth a shit at games because I do not play them.  This is what you get if you don't like it -  fish for someone else. 

Not everyone is out there to play games with you, I have met some beautiful friends that I cherish with all of my heart.  I have met people who said they were a friend but only because they wanted to hook up with my guy friends... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE; if you can see this. It is people like you that poisons the World Wide Lake of the Internet for many others.

The bottom line, there will always be two sides to every coin. Think about who you open up too .. think about all of the possibilities and opportunities there are for people to lie to you. Always walk with caution before you open your spirit to people who say they care, but most important, be above those people and DO NOT PLAY GAMES WITH PEOPLE'S HEARTS!

Sunday, May 17, 2015

To Ink or Not to Ink

To Ink or Not to Ink
That is the question

Life's really funny sometimes you know.  Many of us go around in our own little worlds because we do not fit into societies concept of what a normal life is.  So within our own little worlds we run free so speak, thinking we actually do not give shit about what other people say or how they think about us. Guess what in a crazy-kind-of-way that is bullshit too!

With summer here, my usual everyday wardrobe consist of racer back shirts-therefore my ink in all of its glory is seen with no hiding at all.  Why should I have to hide it anyway? My ink tells the story of my late husband's battle with cancer, his recovery and his death.  As I was thinking about this the other day my first thought was, "You dumb ass... why carry the story of someone's journey on your arm?" But then it hit me, his story also became my story because I walked every step of his journey with him.

It's not paranoia when you 'think' you see someone staring at your ink.  All you have to do is have common sense and follow their eyes.  It is like women with large breast, often when they are having conversations with someone, the other person eyes are focused on the woman's breast.  It is the same with tattoos.

I am pretty use to having people stare at my arms, some will admire it, some will think it is sick and others will get prejudge me and think I am something I am not.   Having people stare in one thing.. but if you listen closely, sometimes you will hear how people really feel about ink and especially ink on women.  Sometimes, it truly is a sad fucking world we live in.

So the magic question is this:  to ink or not to ink, that is the question.  My ink truly tells a story... so every inch of it means as much to me as the earlier ones I got years and years ago.  Would I change any of it? Hell no, I would not.  It is easier for me to ignore and close the door on people who want to judge me and/or think my ink is disgusting - than it would be for me to not have someone I want because others do not approve.

My ink is a part of who I am... I do not condemn others for not having tattoos... sometimes I do wonder why some people do not ink,  but it's not any of my business.  If you want to prejudge me because of my ink, that is your right-it's pretty simple really just stay the fuck away from me.  If you do have ink NEVER let someone bring you down if your ink tells a story or means something very special to you. If you have ink and wish you didn't, you can either have it covered with something that means something more to you and/or you can have it removed with laser surgery.

This is your show, dance the story however you want to regardless of what others say.  They will never walk in your shoes, on your path the way you do.  

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Let's hop on the coo-coo train

You know there are many different ways to say "Riding the Train",  but the  bottom line or the whole concept boils down to this: Either get on the train and keep moving forward or walk away from the train and find another route.

When we are trying to make a decision about something and sometimes we feel stopped up,  it is during those times we just need to hold our breath and jump off of the train or jump onto the train!!  When we jump -just find another one that feels good that will take us where we need to go.

There is one train ride that really keeps me laughing... The Coconut Oil train as a friend calls it.  Yeah, I was very slow getting on that train- but now that I am on it, I am really digging it.  My hair loves it, trust me on this one.  After you wash your hair and towel dry it...rub some coconut oil in your palms to melt it, rub that through your hair really focusing on the ends. YOU WILL BE AMAZED of the results!   So the Coconut Oil train is a ride I intend to keep on.

I have all of these other things I want to do, but I don't do them, why? Because I don't know why unless it is just being lazy.  SO I decided this morning enough talk about all of this shit, it is time to once again walk my talk...and that is exactly what I am doing.   I use to walk so many miles a week, but got out of it... well I set up my treadmill again and BAM I started walking.  Yeah, I am trying to be good and start slow but I will build the speed and distance up again. But I started on that health train ride again...

There are many times you will be riding a train, and no matter what you try to do, this train keeps falling off track.  You have tried everything you could think of to make it happen, but nothing helps.. Walk the F*ck away from it!  That does not make you weak, or pathetic NOTHING is worth your time when it is not being acknowledged !!

I don't know - to tell you the truth.... sometimes I think my stubbornness turns dead end situations into freaking challenges... The damn cat and mouse game!  I need to fix that because you know what I am not a horrible person, but because of some of  my beliefs I do stop for a little while and try to figure out things, which in turns makes me feel coo-coo... but once you are slapped in the face so many times, baby it is time to WTFA!!  My new slogan:  (If you do not like dirty words stop reading right here) WTFA=Walk- The -Fuck -A way

I am determined when I have tried everything I could think of in making something happen and nothing works, it truly is time to move on and start new adventures.  This will be the second time I wrote this today but Thich Nhat Hanh says that each morning we are given a new 24 hours to bring peace and find mindfulness to ourselves. Whatever train you are trying to ride, make sure that the ride brings you joy and happiness... don't waste your time on trains that are stopped and stagnant and not giving you a good ride. You are worth the best of train rides-and YOU can make that happen!! 

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Often Promises are Unrealistic

Beauty in the Simple Things

Each person in life will have that one thing that means the world to them. Other than family, and so on, a life action, word or belief.  A promise to me use to be my one thing that meant the world to me.  I have never made a promise that I did not work my ass off to keep, until my husband passed.

During the time of his sickness, I made promises to him that truly were unrealistic.  At that time my only concern was to make my husband as comfortable - with everything as possible.  I have allowed the guilt of my unrealistic promises to get the better part of me lately.  Than something clicked in my mind, I am a live, I am human or at least going around in a human body... I am allowed to have a life, to breathe with ease, to feel beyond touch.  As a living person if I choose to give up, what does that say about my character?

Don't get me wrong, I have a hell of a long way to go in understanding and forgiving myself. But the truth of the matter is realizing how things react to other actions.  If my husband wasn't so sick, I may of realized the promises he wanted me to make were unrealistic and I wouldn't have made them.  I believe I can say that honestly because I know me the way I do.  And I believe the people that know me the best would agree with me.

Promises and Love both are two words that are thrown around without a second thought today.  There use to be a time when the two words meant a lot.  I suppose that may be one reason why I am going through some of the things I am, because I come from a generation that understood and held words in a great respect.

Coming to terms and realizing today that the promises I made were unrealistic helps me to breathe a little easier.  It's pretty funny once you allow yourself to talk openly to someone-how things begin to make sense again in your mind.  Breaking the unrealistic promises I made does not make me an untrustworthy person.  I believe that was one of the things I hated the thought of.

As time goes on, and the more I am able to release my guilt from this situation,  the faster I believe I will heal.  But as they always say... a journey begins with one step at a time.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Who Are You?

No that is not a trick question.... seriously, if someone asked  you that question how would you answer it?  Well, if you are thinking it is an easy question you are seriously wrong. It is a very deep question that will actually take a little (or a lot) of  time to think about.

Yes, of course you are the obvious you are male or female, you are mother, father, sister, brother. You have a job title, but do those things define who you are? Who is that under-line person that makes you a complete individual? You have to admit it is a very interesting concept to think about.

One of the biggest things in life is we have so many different labels glued to us, that often the underline person becomes an object that sits on the shelf and gathers dust.  Along with who are you-the next question would be.... what do you want to do with your life once you defined who you are?

Tricky, Tricky, Tricky... answer wisely or not.  When we start to describe who we are, you would think that our underlined goals would match up to the description we wrote about our self. Guess what, chances are that is going to be correct.  Once you define who you are, you will also get a handle on what you want from life and/or what you want to do with your life.

This was part of my homework from my therapy session. Guess what, when I was asked who I was... I stared at my therapist like a deer staring into headlights. I was shocked...seriously. So after thinking about it all day yesterday (which by the way I love being asked questions that make me think) and most of the night; when I got up this morning after thinking a little more, I was able to write out, who I am.

So I wrote it out, and along with it things appeared that I want that I did not realize.  So......I decided I wanted to write a post about this and would love to hear your thoughts, if you feel like sharing. I promise it is very interesting and will help you decide what you want out of life.... I am not sure this would be interesting to everyone or not, but I do know some people will find answering this question to be interesting. And believe it or not, it is a question that will teach you things about yourself-you may not have realized were there. 

Monday, March 30, 2015

No Matter How Strong

I am about to share some pretty private shit...and the reason why, hopefully to help others in some minutiae way.  All of my life my writing and my art has been somewhat odd but to me, very personal and I know exactly what it means. I understand no matter what I write people will see something in it that may not always be the concept of the post.  Don't get me wrong, to each their own, and I will respect that, but I will never be able to completely explain things I write nor will I ever try to do so again.

Through my other post I have expressed  some of the things I am experiencing from the lost of my husband.  I have down days and a few good days but lately I have felt my emotions getting out of hand. Yes, I understand the planets are lined up strange, and yes I understand we are picking up energy from the last eclipse, but there is more going on with me than I can understand.

I have learned that no matter how strong  you are, there are going to be weak moments. You may only have them in private  but I promise every person will have them.  Well, I am having my weak moment which I finally admitted to myself.   I have come to realize I cannot handle all of these emotions by myself and I sure in the hell am not going to burden anyone I care about with my problems.  So I found a therapist, made an appointment and beginning the later part of this week, I will be going to therapy sessions.

I cemented my husband this past November.   I have one of two choices, either I walk around with a cemented soul and feel dead or I fucking  wake up and live. I am making the choice to live.  I am so tired of pushing people away from me.. I allow them to take a few steps towards me and in a flip of a coin I knock them back fifteen steps.
Anyway, the whole purpose of writing this post besides hoping it will one day help someone else.. I just wanted to say just because I feel I am having a weak moment , giving in and going to see a therapist, does not make me a weak woman-it just makes me a woman who made a decision to live.  So.... if by chance you have lost someone in your life and you are having an internal battle and feel like you are coming unglued... do a Google search in your area- type in therapist and a list will come up. Go through the list and find one that feels right and has fees you can handle.  You are not being weak if you do that.... it just means you too have made a decision to live. 

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Now I know Why

When I created this little angel a few years ago and wrapped her wings around her body, at first I did it because I believe even angel 's weep, but today years later it has a different meaning to me. 

I have written numerous times about my husband's death  and my own grieving process.  Now I know the angel "I wept"  is helping me to cover up my own hurt and pain.  When you go through life being the strong  person who actually lived through some of the most horrible situations- only by luck and the Divine Force-  To show  weakness cuts straight to the bone in a very slow motion. 

I remember being in the hospital finding my husband dead, as I was going down the hall to get a nurse, I felt myself go into a time warp, it felt every step I took was in extreme slow motion.  My emotions felt like a volcano just waiting to explode and I could not even hear my voice. I feel as if I lost something  besides my husband that night, maybe ego? maybe pride? I am not sure.  I just know being in that vulnerable state is one of the hardest things I have had to experience.

My husband's death has left deep wounds on my spirit.    I am nothing like I was before his death.. now I am in the process of trying to figure out who I am.  I get lost a lot these days, I just wrote something today... I keep trying to find a place to hide, but I cannot even find that.  It seems no matter what I try to do, it is okay as long as I am doing something, but when I am finished... WHAM! all of the unbalance, sick, feelings come back.

Have you ever tried walking up an escalator that was going down?  It is a lot harder than you think... that is what I feel my energy is doing.  The closer  I get to fixing  things the further my soul moves away.  I find myself becoming weaker on little things... Goddess knows I love my solitude, but I find myself getting lonely sometimes. That is a new experience for me, I have a beautiful little dog  I want to travel with me but she refuses to get into my car.  As sad as it is sometimes  her company  is not enough.  I know  a lot of the sayings, and I know a lot of things people think, but the cold hard truth is... I don't care who you, there will be times you feel lonely in your life. I even hate writing that word... but it is happening.

Shielding ourselves or wrapping our spiritual wings around our self feels comforting  and safe.  Now I am beginning to realize that truthfully I believe I am wrapping myself in spiritual wings to hide or to pretend I do not exist until I can figure out who in the hell I am. Each of us go through life fighting our own demons, just like I wrote yesterday.... it is always a game between the heart and the brain

Saturday, March 28, 2015

The Heart vs the Brain

Yeah reality is just that... most of the decisions we make in life either comes from our hearts or the brain..and the hard true fact is reality is reality.  I am not writing to make anyone appear to be a first grader but the definition for reality is:  the state of things as they actually exist, as oppose to an idealistic or notional idea of them. Other words, freaking reality is the fact things are what they are.

One of the things most people have is the freedom of choice... we have the right to make a decision.  Often we want to tuck away in a world we create in our minds and visit there often.  It is a place where everything is as we want it.  It is a blissful sense of freedom, excitement, peace and unconditional love. Some would say that could be our reality because basically what we create in our minds is our reality? Right, wrong, indifferent' it doesn't matter, it is our world. Bullshit!

Cut to the core of that world and the reality within our minds- and you are left with confusion, and a freaking game of what the heart wants and the brain saying idiot wake up and smell the damn coffee!  A world of make believe can feed our soul and spirit but the fact of life is we are spiritual beings living in these vessels we call our bodies.. which by the way Thich Nhat Hanh says these bodies do not belong to us, they belong to the earth and we are just the care takers of them.  

On Facebook the other day I shared this saying that says, At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.  There is so much truth in that statement it is almost scary.  The main objective of that statement (to me) is reality is what it is! So yeah, it is true, often it is better to leave people in your heart instead of your life.  Life has so much beauty in it, and because of stupid shit when the heart and brain plays games with you... it makes life seem a little dark when in truth the darkness is in your own eyes not in life.

So many times in life we try to find temporary fixes... I say temporary because you know you do not want something permanently -so you convince yourself it is safer to find a temporary fix.  In REALITY you are just patching a void in your life hoping it will make things better , but soon the patch comes off  and you are once again sitting there with a void.  The only way to handle this kind of situation is to fix the patch permanently and super glue that sucker on... other words fill the void with something that will feed your soul and spirit and make you happy.  A second of happiness is not worth hours, days, or weeks of sadness, confusion, hurt and loneliness.

Living in the moment, cherishing that moment for everything it is worth, is beautiful beyond words... once the moment is over and reality sets in, the truth is-it comes down to the brain and heart playing games.  I am getting to old and too tired to play anymore... games over.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Ostara Spring Equinox-Part 2

One of the most beautiful things associated with Ostara is the egg.  An old wise tale says that many, many years ago, pagan children would give eggs to the goddess as gifts in return for spring coming.  Eggs and seeds alike are full of promise of new life.  It is a sign of rebirth and fertility in all creation.  Many cultures believe the egg symbolizes the whole universe. The egg is a symbol of balance, light and dark, male and female. The golden yoke represents the Sun God and the white represents the Goddess... it is a perfect balance.

Placing eggs on your altar is not only beautiful but has a lot of meanings.  You can use herbs to naturally color eggs.  You will need, water, white vinegar and herbs, fruits and vegetables. Put the eggs you want to color into a pot and add enough water to cover the eggs and cook until they are done. Everyone has different methods, I cook my eggs for 11 minutes others will bring them to a boil, cover turn off heat and allow to set for a little while. Regardless of your method, allow the cooked eggs to completely cool.

 For every cup of herb, fruit or vegetable you make, you will add 3 teaspoons of white vinegar.  Let's say you want to make some purple dye, one choice would be to use purple cabbage. Cut up a handful of purple cabbage, cover with about 1 1/2 cups of water bring to a boil and simmer for 15 minutes. Strain the cooled liquid into a bowl or jar and add 3 teaspoons of white vinegar. Your children can use crayons and draw pictures and designs on the egg than place them into the dye and let them set over night in the fridge.  The colors will not be as bright using herbs, fruits and vegetables but they will be beautiful pastel colors. 
Here are just a few examples of natural dyes you can make: Blue: you could use blueberries, elder berries Yellow: marigold petals, turmeric, Orange: carrots, paprika Green: spinach , rosemary Pink: beets, raspberries Purple: red cabbage, red grape juice. Just remember, bring vegetable, fruit or herb to a boil, simmer for 15 minutes, allow to cool, strain and add 3 teaspoons of white vinegar for each cup of liquid you have for each color.

Ostara is a chance of seeing new life, more light and most of all rebirth for everything you want to start over. Blessed Ostara to those who  celebrate it... Happy Spring for those who don't.

Ostara Spring Equinox Part 1

What a beautiful magical time of the year when the mother opens her eyes and all of natures beauty begins to awaken and breathe.  Ostara, the Spring Equinox is a time for fertility and sowing seeds.  It is the time to when mating season begins on all levels. We plant the seeds, nurture them and a plant grows. A seed is planted inside a human and a new child is born. What is there to not love about Ostara? 

Different beliefs celebrate this time according to their path.  Many believe this is a time that marks when the  young Sun God  marries the young Maiden Goddess -who will conceive and in nine months will become the Mother Goddess.  Easter is  celebrated the first Sunday after the full moon after the Spring Equinox. But regardless of what path you walk in life, the one thing in common is the fact all of nature awakens and brings forth some of the most beautiful, breath taken beauty you cannot help but fall in love with!

Ostara (The Spring Equinox) marks the balance of day and night, as the light begins to increase more and more giving all of us more time to tend our gardens and time to watch more beauty around us.  It is a time when you open your windows and allow the air spirits to come through and drive all negativity stale energy away leaving behind nothing but new fresh energy and beautiful smells.

This is a wonderful time to enjoy more leafy green vegetables, nuts and edible flower dishes. There is nothing more beautiful than having a fresh salad with nasturtiums, borage flowers, fresh pansies and other edible flowers. What is even more exciting is going outside in your yard and picking (what some refer to as weeds) fresh dandelion greens, chickweed and wide leaf plantain.  **Word of caution** If you should decide to pick some fresh greens in your yard, you need to make sure no pesticides have been used on them, they are away from road toxins but most important and I CANNOT stress this enough, RESEARCH before you eat anything from your yard. Also, just as a reminder, as you are harvesting your vegetables and flowers, save as many seeds as you can for next year's corps. It is not hard all you do is lay the seeds out and allow them to completely dry in an area will they will not be bothered, bag them after they are dried and label them with the name, and date you dried them.

Once Ostara has arrived, you will notice the daffodils. Usually they are everywhere and to be honest for this photographer I cannot get enough photos of them. Many of the bulbs type flowers like hyacinth, and tulips are beginning to wake up and show their beauty as well. Now if you are a kitchen witch, one thing I know you already do is collect the flowers, dry them and store them to use for different rituals.  One of the most popular things to do during Ostara is redecorate your altar mainly using flowers like daffodils, and other bulbs flowers. Once the flowers begin to fade and finish their cycle, these flowers can be dried, stored and used later.  Daffodils are used for Love, Fertility and luck.  They say if you wear a daffodil flower next to your heart, it will bring good luck.  If you place fresh daffodils in your bedroom it will increase fertility and as with more flower petals, they can be used in love spells but of course love spells should never be placed on anyone but yourself. You must love yourself before you can truly love another person..

Another one of my favorite flowers to dry and save is the Hyacinth. Hyacinth's not only smell sweet as honey but their energy is unbelievable. The hyacinth flowers are used for Love, Protection and Happiness.  They say if you have a pink hyacinth plant growing in your bedroom, it will help guard against nightmares.  As you smell the hyacinth flower it will relieve depression and grief and as like the daffodils, the hyacinth can be used in love rituals. 

Saturday, March 14, 2015


"you have to make him or her very real in your arms, not just for the sake of appearances, patting him on the back to pretend you are there, but breathing conscious and hugging with all your body , spirit and heart." Thich Nhat Hanh

All of my life hugging has been something very important to me. Actually, I am a very good hugger. I am not saying that to sound conceited or superior but I am actually a very good hugger because I hug the way I want to be hugged. This morning when I read Thich Nhat Hanh thoughts on hugging it hit it right on for me, that is how I feel but never knew how to express it.

I know a lot of people who can hug you and it will take your breath away.  You can tell when someone hugs you with their body, spirit and heart.  That kind of hug can actually make you leave this realm for just a few seconds... it is a connection that is expressed so deeply.  I am not talking sexually here although when it comes to hugging sexually that is as important. But I am talking everyday regular meaningful hugs. 

A true hug can make a sad person feel happy, it is a sign of true compassion and a true sign that you really care what the other person is experiencing. To me, hugging and hand shaking are very similar. It actually offends me when someone has a weak limp hand shake. A hand needs to be firm, strong but not breaking your hand strong... strong that lets other people you are confident in who you are.  Hugging falls along the same line... a limp, weak hug feels meaningless. You do not know how many times I have had to bite my tongue not to say something when someone has given me a weak limp hug.

I totally understand each person do things their own way, and I do respect that... just keep in mind the next time you hug someone, your hug could be very healing for them.. either mind, body or spirit.  If you stop and think about it anyway... healing is done on many levels and a hug could be the perfect medicine for someone who is in pain or who is suffering silently.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Let's Play the Yo-Yo Game

Life is amazing sometimes, you take fifteen steps forward on a positive road, and because of one obstacle you fall back ten steps. I have read numerous things how the obstacles on our paths makes the journey more rewarding. I suppose on my good days, I can see the positive side of that, but on my down days it is like a slap in the face.

You study and gather new ideas and you become so motivated and filled with so much excitement and hope, but yet there are yo-yo days that makes you do a  nose dive straight into a hillside...and all you can do is stand there with your mouth dropped open like a cartoon character wondering what in the hell just happened.  One minute you hear echoes ...... all obstacles enhance your path ..... and the next minute you hear this little evil character on your shoulder saying, ' yeah right, WTF is going on!"

I have just recently started studying Buddhism and I truly believe that studying it has been Divine Sent because of all the coincidences that have gathered together bringing me to this moment. For one it has put me on a quest to find the true meaning or way to love without attachment. Trying to incorporate a lot of the Buddhism way of thinking into yourself can be very challenging (at least for me). But in the long run I know it will be very rewarding.

All through my other studies the one major key I have always learned is, you will never learn everything about something... things always change and thank goodness in life we will never stop learning regardless of what you are studying. But damn there has to be a way to take something into yourself and allow it to become one with you without playing the damn yo-yo game.

We take everyday situations and one minute we think yeah, I am cool with this situation.  The next minute you are saying WTF- I deserve better than this!  Or one minute you feel like you are floating in a cloud of softness and the next minute you are dragging your ass across thorns. The freaking yo-yo game... does that make you unstable? I don't think so... if you think differently that is truly cool you are allow to have your own insight, but me personally I do not think that makes me or anyone else unstable.  If you pick a rose and immediately put it into water, soon that rose begins to wilt-which means every second it changes- just like humans change every second.

So see, most of my articles/posts has a beginning and an this is all over the freaking place and it is damn right okay!!  I love something I read this morning by: Thich Nhat Hanh-he said suppose someone standing on the side of a river bank - throws a pebble into the river. The pebble allows itself to sink slowly to the bottom where it rest as the water passes it by.  Too many times in life we try to rush everything we are involved in. And the outcome of rushing everything brings confusion to your mind, your being very much like this post.

I know what I am expressing and not saying here... but I wanted to post this just to show you it is okay to have days like this where everything feels screwed up and you feel like a puppy running in circles chasing your tail.  There are always going to be days where things just do not make sense, tomorrow will be a new day, you will have a fresh start and perhaps you and I both will see things differently. Today...... it's the yo-yo game.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Free Spirited

As always when I have a question about something, one of the first places I go is to Google Search. One of the main reasons I do that is because for a lack of better words often I feel like I am the only one who wonders about different things sometimes.

I put into the Google Search What does being Free Spirited mean? Come to find out I am NOT the only who wonders about this, actually I found a pretty good blog article written by this girl who wondered the same thing.  Yes, many, many people are referred to free spirited, I am, she was and many others are.  But the question still remains, what does being Free Spirited mean?

Of course one of the first things that will show up in a Google Search is a dictionary's definition, which by the way according to the The Urban Dictionary :  Free Spirit is someone who is not weighed down by the troubles of everyday life.  A free spirit remains their self regardless of what life situations are.  They are not restricted by other people's opinions. That is a pretty good definition in my book.... BUT yes there is a BUT-to me it is more.

Another page I found interesting is a page that list seven things to becoming free spirited: (1) Understand what it means to be free (2) Pursue your passion (3) Let go of whatever is holding you back (4) Let go of whatever you are rebelling against without a higher purpose (5) Live in the moment (6) keep your ego in check and last but not least (7) Honor other people's freedom. Now first to be honest I did not know there were steps you could take to become-become being the main objective word here.. Free Spirited! That just goes to show you are never too old to learn something new!

Often in our lives we are many things without even knowing it or realizing it. With me personally, I have been referred to as a 'Rebel' all of my life.. yes, starting from early childhood my uncles always referred to me as being a 'Rebel'. Well, actually if you think about it, many 'Free Spirited' people can be referred to as a Rebel.  Most of the time we are not followers.. and I mean in that in the sense as following a group of beliefs that do not coincide with your own spirit/energy-  NOT following someone in a car traveling to a new area.

Free spirited people do not have to be a solid piece of a puzzle to fit into a larger picture, they create their own picture and become that picture.  I was obviously born the way I am, some have said I could be a product of my environment which could be true too but if coming from my environment has made into a free spirit or someone who does not give shit if I have to stand against the grain or not, then so be it.

Yes, there is a point to writing about this today... Long time ago I heard someone say you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink it.   I suppose in my mind, I feel whatever type of person you are there is a medium within you that is willing to share an energy with others so everyone can co-exist together without one being dominate over the other. It is like adding some unique energy together  to create a foundation for that relationship.

I have found in my own free spirit when it comes to relationships it is important to me that people be free flowing without expectations and chains.  However in that whole scenario you have to realize often in relationships (that you care about) you have to show you care a little more, you have to respect a little more and  you have to honor the other individual (s) just a little more. I have heard more than once that often someone who is free spirited may appear a little cold to others and often in their own little world, so showing feelings to other individuals may mean you need to try a little harder- that is if you truly care - if not than I say let your free spirit flow on...

Whatever meaning you have for being a free spirit is perfect for you, my meaning is perfect for me.  I do believe though that being free spirited or not..... often when it comes to all relationships the key words need to be-always try just a little harder if you care, if not just flow on and be free in your world. Free Spirits can come together and create their own energy flow... I know anything is possible, for me the keys are as I mentioned...try a little harder if you care.... What are your thoughts?

Saturday, February 7, 2015

This Moment

When we wake up each morning, I am not totally convinced that we can automatically determine what kind of mood we are going to be in. Now this is NOT how everyone feels and I am not questioning them.  I know that I have read numerous times that there are several things each of us should do every morning before even getting out of bed... supposedly that will set the energy for the day. Since I have been learning and practicing very hard to try and just live each moment to moment.. if I should wake up in a bad mood or a sad mood, I know it is because I need to go through that experience.  Why try to change something that very well could be something we need to experience?

I love what Joseph Campbell wrote: "People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life.  I don't think that's what we're really seeking. I think that what we're seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive." That is from his 'The Power of Myth'.

How many times in your lifetime have you thought or have heard other people talking about and wondering what their purpose in life was? I have thought about it a little... to be very honest my thoughts were more along the line, what in the hell am I doing on this earth.  What many people do not fully understand is they may never know what their purpose in life was.   I could not for the life of me EVER understand the purpose of a murderer, rapist or child molester. I cannot even go there....

Many of us are like little babes trying to figure out how to live life and find fulfillment and meaning.  In that whole process a lot of life goes by wasted and not lived.  Joseph Campbell had the right idea.. feeling the rapture of being alive- the thought is exciting, scary and something many of us desperately need.  Feeling the rapture of intense pleasure or joy is something we often crave and need .. we need to feel a live and know we are actually making our own personal mark on our path and our journey.

In my world and because of different circumstances I have been through lately, I want to live each moment and be so grateful for that moment.  Because through all of my recent experiences the one and the most powerful lesson I have learned is: Life can be taken away in a snap of a finger... so here is to the rapture of being alive!

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