Betrayal, Heartache and Evil

Bittersweet

After I lost my husband to cancer this past November, I have had to put myself into therapy.  That is not a huge secret, I have written about it in some of my other articles- in hopes of it helping others.  I was truly making headway... I was finally beginning to forgive myself for things I had to say to my husband to make him feel  better.  I finally started to open up and allow myself to feel 'life' again.  But you take one step forward and a 100 steps back once betrayal enters the picture. 

One line I hate most in the world is: "just let it roll off your back like water does on a duck's back." Fuck that shit!  Lies, betrayal, heartache and evil all go together and it is not a matter of allowing water to roll off of your back like a duck, it is a matter of waking up and seeing fucking people for who they really are.  You think you have trust and respect for someone... baby, the world is full of con artist that can feed you so many lies, you have no choice but to believe them.  Even when in your inner most private heart area you know something is not right.... you still become star struck from all of the lies you are being fed.

In this kind of situation you want so much to just blame the other person, it is all of their fucking lies that put you where you are in this moment.  Why should any of it be my fault? Right, wrong, indifferent who gives a fuck... when you grow up wearing armor made of steel just to protect yourself against the idiots in the world... you build this comfort zone within and soon you stop allowing yourself to feel anything. But after years and years of wearing this armor... you try to step into the world again in hopes of feeling something.. anything positive. But  death, lies, disrespect, evil... they all wait around each corner you walk, just to give you a good dose of something to feel.

But that still doesn't answer the question does it? Why should other people's lies be my fault too? Because I fell stupid and believed I could trust someone again.  Lessons upon lessons upon lessons... it never stops.  If you get hurt, you want to hurt the other person too... the one thing I have actually learned is I personally do not have to anything.. karma, the divine, spirit guides.. who knows, they will take care of things for you. It may not be today or tomorrow.... but you can bet, it will catch up with you.  I have kissed that bastard too many times in my lifetime, so I know for a fact you cannot hide from it.  In some odd stupid way;  I almost feel sorry for those people... I know how bad the bastard can kick your ass.

Always remember this one thing if you never remember any other word I have written.... there is a huge difference between being dark and evil.  Every one of us has a little darkness in us... it is a balance, almost in a playful dark way.  Evil... well it is out to kill you and destroy any kind of hopes, dreams and light you have been searching for.