The Heart vs the Brain

She Thinks

Yeah reality is just that... most of the decisions we make in life either comes from our hearts or the brain..and the hard true fact is reality is reality.  I am not writing to make anyone appear to be a first grader but the definition for reality is:  the state of things as they actually exist, as oppose to an idealistic or notional idea of them. Other words, freaking reality is the fact things are what they are.

One of the things most people have is the freedom of choice... we have the right to make a decision.  Often we want to tuck away in a world we create in our minds and visit there often.  It is a place where everything is as we want it.  It is a blissful sense of freedom, excitement, peace and unconditional love. Some would say that could be our reality because basically what we create in our minds is our reality? Right, wrong, indifferent' it doesn't matter, it is our world. Bullshit!

Cut to the core of that world and the reality within our minds- and you are left with confusion, and a freaking game of what the heart wants and the brain saying idiot wake up and smell the damn coffee!  A world of make believe can feed our soul and spirit but the fact of life is we are spiritual beings living in these vessels we call our bodies.. which by the way Thich Nhat Hanh says these bodies do not belong to us, they belong to the earth and we are just the care takers of them.  

On Facebook the other day I shared this saying that says, At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.  There is so much truth in that statement it is almost scary.  The main objective of that statement (to me) is reality is what it is! So yeah, it is true, often it is better to leave people in your heart instead of your life.  Life has so much beauty in it, and because of stupid shit when the heart and brain plays games with you... it makes life seem a little dark when in truth the darkness is in your own eyes not in life.

So many times in life we try to find temporary fixes... I say temporary because you know you do not want something permanently -so you convince yourself it is safer to find a temporary fix.  In REALITY you are just patching a void in your life hoping it will make things better , but soon the patch comes off  and you are once again sitting there with a void.  The only way to handle this kind of situation is to fix the patch permanently and super glue that sucker on... other words fill the void with something that will feed your soul and spirit and make you happy.  A second of happiness is not worth hours, days, or weeks of sadness, confusion, hurt and loneliness.

Living in the moment, cherishing that moment for everything it is worth, is beautiful beyond words... once the moment is over and reality sets in, the truth is-it comes down to the brain and heart playing games.  I am getting to old and too tired to play anymore... games over.

Decisions have to be made

One of the worst things you do not even want to think about is making decisions. I do not care on what level, I just hate making any decision for anything.  Unfortunately, it is also part of this whole process.....

As of today (Jan 16, 2015) in three days my husband  has been gone for 2 months now.  In a video I found on YouTube (which I mentioned in other post) one of the ladies talking about her grief, shared that she immediately took off her wedding rings. She went on to explain that seeing them each and every day just made her hurt and long for her husband more.  Yes, I finally made the decision to take my wedding rings off.  It took me a while, but for me personally it was time.  On the flip side of this, when the nurse  that took my husband's vitals and said he had died, within minutes I asked her to take my husband's wedding band off, which she did and I put it on and cannot even begin to think about taking it off.  Yet, I took my own wedding rings off...

To be honest, I am in no shape to really try and explain why I am doing certain things the way I am.  I just know for me when it is time to take another step that is what I am doing.  Yesterday when I took my wedding rings off, it finally truly hit me that no matter what my husband is gone is he is not coming back.  I have to accept that because no matter how much I hate it, the truth is he is gone.

I finally had to take all of his pictures down. As I was packing up some of more of my husband's things the other day, I was looking at a few photos and the person I was staring at was not the man I found dead in the hospital bed.  That was  a very odd moment for me...I believe on some level that started me thinking about taking off my wedding rings, and finally accepting the fact he was gone.. 

If I was asked what advice I would give to someone who lost their spouse, my reply would be.... do whatever you want to do in the time span you want to do it. If you want to cry for a week, allow yourself to do that. If you want to pack up your spouse's things immediately do it, if you want to wait, do that. Regardless of anything you read, hear or people tell you, YOU are the only one who is going to be able to make it through this experience. Yes, you will have help from friends and family, yes all you will want to do is cuddle up and hide. 

But you will have days you will begin to learn to walk again, and just by taking that one tiny step- is something that is worth more than any gold.  That tiny step is a step you are walking to finding yourself.

As I mentioned before, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  Each of us will do it the way we need to do it. Somewhere, Somehow in the back of your mind, you need to find a focus that is in the long run going to make you stand up and learning to live your life again.  It really sounds like a catch-22 doesn't it... One minute I am saying take all of the time you need to do what you need to do, but on the other hand  keep it in the back of your mind that you need to get your shit together too.

I remember the first few weeks of my husband passing, I did stupid little things like buy me a Keurig Coffee Machine... why? Because my husband only liked instant coffee and I love fresh brew but instead of having two different kinds of coffee I stuck with the instant.  NOW I love my Keurig machine and I see it as just one more step in finding myself.  Another stupid thing I did, I gave all of our towels away and went out and purchased me some pink towels!  Laugh or roll your eyes, it's okay... I think these are stupid things too... but if it takes me doing a million stupid things to get me back on track, I plan on doing each and every one of them.

Oh, and another thing I do... I light candles every single night, and I have a glass of wine or a beer if I want too.  What do they say, do what you have to do to learn how to love yourself again..... think about it!