When I created this little angel a few years ago
and wrapped her wings around her body, at first I did it because I believe even
angel 's weep, but today years later it has a different meaning to me.
I have written numerous times about my husband's
death and my own grieving process. Now I know the angel "I wept" is helping me to cover up my own hurt and
pain. When you go through life being the
strong person who actually lived through
some of the most horrible situations- only by luck and the Divine Force- To show weakness cuts straight to the bone in a very
slow motion.
I remember being in the hospital finding my
husband dead, as I was going down the hall to get a nurse, I felt myself go
into a time warp, it felt every step I took was in extreme slow motion. My emotions felt like a volcano just waiting
to explode and I could not even hear my voice. I feel as if I lost something besides my husband that night, maybe ego? maybe
pride? I am not sure. I just know being
in that vulnerable state is one of the hardest things I have had to experience.
My husband's death has left deep wounds on my
spirit. I am nothing like I was before his death.. now
I am in the process of trying to figure out who I am. I get lost a lot these days, I just wrote
something today... I keep trying to find a place to hide, but I cannot even
find that. It seems no matter what I try
to do, it is okay as long as I am doing something, but when I am finished...
WHAM! all of the unbalance, sick, feelings come back.
Have you ever tried walking up an escalator that
was going down? It is a lot harder than
you think... that is what I feel my energy is doing. The closer I get to fixing things the further my soul moves away. I find myself becoming weaker on little
things... Goddess knows I love my solitude, but I find myself getting lonely
sometimes. That is a new experience for me, I have a beautiful little dog I want to travel with me but she refuses to
get into my car. As sad as it is
sometimes her company is not enough. I know
a lot of the sayings, and I know a lot of things people think, but the
cold hard truth is... I don't care who you, there will be times you feel lonely
in your life. I even hate writing that word... but it is happening.
Shielding ourselves or wrapping our spiritual
wings around our self feels
comforting and safe. Now I am beginning to realize that truthfully
I believe I am wrapping myself in spiritual wings to hide or to pretend I do
not exist until I can figure out who in the hell I am. Each of us go through
life fighting our own demons, just like I wrote yesterday.... it is always a
game between the heart and the brain.
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