Sunday, March 29, 2015
Now I know Why
When I created this little angel a few years ago and wrapped her wings around her body, at first I did it because I believe even angel 's weep, but today years later it has a different meaning to me.
I have written numerous times about my husband's death and my own grieving process. Now I know the angel "I wept" is helping me to cover up my own hurt and pain. When you go through life being the strong person who actually lived through some of the most horrible situations- only by luck and the Divine Force- To show weakness cuts straight to the bone in a very slow motion.
I remember being in the hospital finding my husband dead, as I was going down the hall to get a nurse, I felt myself go into a time warp, it felt every step I took was in extreme slow motion. My emotions felt like a volcano just waiting to explode and I could not even hear my voice. I feel as if I lost something besides my husband that night, maybe ego? maybe pride? I am not sure. I just know being in that vulnerable state is one of the hardest things I have had to experience.
My husband's death has left deep wounds on my spirit. I am nothing like I was before his death.. now I am in the process of trying to figure out who I am. I get lost a lot these days, I just wrote something today... I keep trying to find a place to hide, but I cannot even find that. It seems no matter what I try to do, it is okay as long as I am doing something, but when I am finished... WHAM! all of the unbalance, sick, feelings come back.
Have you ever tried walking up an escalator that was going down? It is a lot harder than you think... that is what I feel my energy is doing. The closer I get to fixing things the further my soul moves away. I find myself becoming weaker on little things... Goddess knows I love my solitude, but I find myself getting lonely sometimes. That is a new experience for me, I have a beautiful little dog I want to travel with me but she refuses to get into my car. As sad as it is sometimes her company is not enough. I know a lot of the sayings, and I know a lot of things people think, but the cold hard truth is... I don't care who you, there will be times you feel lonely in your life. I even hate writing that word... but it is happening.
Shielding ourselves or wrapping our spiritual wings around our self feels comforting and safe. Now I am beginning to realize that truthfully I believe I am wrapping myself in spiritual wings to hide or to pretend I do not exist until I can figure out who in the hell I am. Each of us go through life fighting our own demons, just like I wrote yesterday.... it is always a game between the heart and the brain.