No Matter How Strong

The Journey Never Ends

I am about to share some pretty private shit...and the reason why, hopefully to help others in some minutiae way.  All of my life my writing and my art has been somewhat odd but to me, very personal and I know exactly what it means. I understand no matter what I write people will see something in it that may not always be the concept of the post.  Don't get me wrong, to each their own, and I will respect that, but I will never be able to completely explain things I write nor will I ever try to do so again.

Through my other post I have expressed  some of the things I am experiencing from the lost of my husband.  I have down days and a few good days but lately I have felt my emotions getting out of hand. Yes, I understand the planets are lined up strange, and yes I understand we are picking up energy from the last eclipse, but there is more going on with me than I can understand.

I have learned that no matter how strong  you are, there are going to be weak moments. You may only have them in private  but I promise every person will have them.  Well, I am having my weak moment which I finally admitted to myself.   I have come to realize I cannot handle all of these emotions by myself and I sure in the hell am not going to burden anyone I care about with my problems.  So I found a therapist, made an appointment and beginning the later part of this week, I will be going to therapy sessions.

I cemented my husband this past November.   I have one of two choices, either I walk around with a cemented soul and feel dead or I fucking  wake up and live. I am making the choice to live.  I am so tired of pushing people away from me.. I allow them to take a few steps towards me and in a flip of a coin I knock them back fifteen steps.

  

Anyway, the whole purpose of writing this post besides hoping it will one day help someone else.. I just wanted to say just because I feel I am having a weak moment , giving in and going to see a therapist, does not make me a weak woman-it just makes me a woman who made a decision to live.  So.... if by chance you have lost someone in your life and you are having an internal battle and feel like you are coming unglued... do a Google search in your area- type in therapist and a list will come up. Go through the list and find one that feels right and has fees you can handle.  You are not being weak if you do that.... it just means you too have made a decision to live. 

Even the Moon Brings Memories

The first night at home after my husband's death, I was sitting outside and was looking at the moon.  It was going into the New Moon (or Dark Moon whatever you want to call it) and I can remember how there was only a sliver of the moon showing. This morning two days before his second month of being gone, the moon was the same way as the night he passed.

A Tibetan Master refers to the New Moon as a time to breathe calmly.  It is said in this state you can watch your emotions and not be affected by them.  During the New Moon your higher self gives you visions of your true purpose because during the New Moon represents 'New Beginnings'.

I can tell you during the night of my husband's death, I was anything but calm...the one thing that did hold true for me was it was a time of new beginnings. Once you are left alone without your spouse, you have one of two choices... 1. you honor yourself and give yourself time to grieve than get up and start a new journey on your own, OR 2. you simply give up.  You may have days where you feel like giving up but as I mentioned in other post the next day you will feel different.

Facts are facts, you will never be the same after your spouse passes.  When they died, they take a piece of your heart with them. But with whatever faith you believe in, you can and will survive even something as horrible as this.  But the true bottom line is, is it up to you how you want to handle this.  It is not up to other people to tell you how to feel or how to react, this is your call. That does not mean you have to be a bitch about it, listen and hear what your friends and family are saying...but YOU decide how much of the information you want or need to incorporate into your well-being.

I was wondering this morning, will I always remember and relive the night my husband died when I see the crescent moon? Isn't it somewhat funny how it is always the tiny little things that can often grab our attention and leave memories for a lifetime. Messages are given to each of us each and every day. The afternoon before my husband passed, ravens/crows told me they were there to take him. Of course I did not want to believe it, but they did.  Again, though, it depends on what your faith is as to what you believe or not believe. Being part Cherokee, I follow my spirit and connection to the earth and the messages we are given. People that believe in Christianity like my husband did, believed that whatever happened was in God's hand.

Your faith regardless of what it is, will become a powerful stepping stone for you.  Soon you will be able to at least accept the fact that things do happen in life and it is up to use to make the memories we want to carry on.  We honestly only have this minute, and it takes building from this minute to either live and move forward, or close yourself off to life.  Just remember this one thing, you are a strong individual, you may not believe that at the moment, but you are. I hate cliché's that say:  this experience is what  makes us who we are, but in the 57 years of life I have seen, every experience has made me into the person I am today,  The same thing goes for you as well. Just think about it......

Taking One Day at a Time

Of course all any of us can do is basically take one second at a time, one minute at a time so on and so forth. Trying to rebuild your life after losing a spouse is exactly that... taking one day at a time. I have days where I can actually put one foot in front of the other and take a step forward. Other days I have no drive, sit and cry and I have days where I am so freaking mad I cannot stand being around myself.

I remember just a couple of weeks ago, I decided I was going to go and do some photography. I charged up my batteries, packed my equipment and drove up to the botanical garden.  Keep in mind, here in Georgia it is winter and not a whole lot to see especially out in the botanical gardens. But being out in that fresh air, walking the grounds did my mind a world of good. I did find some interesting things to photograph.  I had a few memories flood me of when my husband went with me to do photography at the gardens, but soon he became burned out and stop wanting to go with me.  For me, I can go to the gardens and each time find new and wonderful things to photograph.

Going to the botanical gardens was indeed a great step in my favor. Learning to do things alone can be a bit challenging, yet it can be rewarding too. I was on no time table except my own. I could stay as long as I wanted too, or leave exactly when I wanted too...the bottom line, it was a step in my freedom lifestyle.

Waking up each and every morning knowing that everything in the household is your full responsibly can be a bit overwhelming. Since we are currently experiencing some very cold weather here in Georgia, the other day I had to do a Google Search for preparing for freezing temperatures. Yeah, I know doesn't sound that hard but my husband took care of a lot of that stuff.  I remember a few years ago, during a freezing spell, one of the pipes outside that we attach the hose too cracked.  Although, it was fixed I still worried about it so I had some of this stuff and wrapped the pipe up. If it was necessary or not I do not know, it just gave me a little peace of mind.  And remembering to allowing the faucets drip. Something as simple as this is, I had a hard time getting the right drip motion (because I do not want a sky high electricity bill) so it took me a little bit to get that right. Then I ended up checking on all of the faucets several times trying to make sure they were still dripping-if the pipes break, I do not have a clue what to do about it.

Oh, and then the car. Back in October after one of my husband's chemo session against my better judgments I let him drive.  Everything inside of me was telling me not to let him drive but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I was going to let him drive home.   No sooner when we left the hospital about five minutes later we were in a accident. My husband hit the car in front of us and he totaled the front end of my car.  So having to find a vehicle fast I found a very inexpensive jeep and my thoughts were.... I would get the jeep so he could drive it to work after he got well and I would get another car afterwards. Well, my jeep rains on the inside of the vehicle and better yet...the windshield does not freeze on the outside, but it freezes on the inside! I know that sounds crazy as hell but it's the truth.  So now I am left with the decision... do I spend the money and figure out what is wrong with my jeep, or do I cut my loses and find a reliable vehicle, because in all honesty I cannot be without a car!

It is little things like this that makes my mind spin out of control. Don't even get me started on what I am going to do as far as income goes. Do I go back to work full time, or do I continue to do what I am doing? The one advantage I have that a lot of people don't is I know how to live with hardly nothing and be happy. I still remember my homestead skills and if I need too I could result back to them. I understand what everyone is saying, take your time...things will work out. Yes, that is true I am sure, but walking in my shoes facing the things I am is totally different when you have to do it.

 

I know I have to take one step at a time, and I am truly trying to do that. Live in the moment, that too I am trying to do but it is difficult a lot of the time, knowing I need to make some decisions that are pretty heavy-and I have me to rely on, Sweetie is my full responsibility and one of the worst experiences with her so far is having to take her outside when it is pouring down raining. My husband always did that....not it is my responsibly. 

Finding Myself...where did I go?

One of the strangest things I have been experiencing lately is finding myself.  I never even noticed I had lost myself to the extent that I had.  To be honest, I almost feel as if a lot of me had disappeared.  I know since June 2014 every second was devoted to my husband's care.  What little bit of photography I did, I did outside in the yard, my artwork had stopped because I lost the desire to do it, and my online storefront completely went on the back burner.

After the doctor had told me that my husband had approximately six month to live, I tried to think of different ways to make my storefront more successful. I made a few purchases and brought in some new things but to be honest, I am not even sure I got everything listed. I tried to do things but never feel like I accomplished anything except for caring for my husband. Everything about me became a vessel for caring for him. His appetite went to nothing...so I kept doing research trying to find foods that were highly nutritious that could possibly help him. I designed recipe after recipe but once I seen he did not care for them or could not eat them, I trashed them. Towards the end all I could get him to eat was frozen protein shakes and frozen grapes. He started to have a hard time swallowing so chewing things almost became impossible.

Sometimes as we are going through drastic changes after losing a spouse, we start to experience things that truly question our stability and mental condition. So instead of talking about any of those things, I started doing Google searches and found many of the things I was experiencing are indeed legitimate problems and even phobias. Yes, I said it phobias.  Two that jumped out for me is: Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder which use to only occur in children but many cases from adults began to surface.  Once a spouse dies and leaves you alone, life changes drastically. 

Social Anxiety Disorder (Social Phobia).  Fear of stepping back into a sociability. Consciously or not, most married people become adjusted to always being around their spouse. Of course there are other cases where both spouses continues on their social activities, but the biggest majority will give their full focus to each other therefore, cutting their self out of the social circles. That happened in my marriage.  My husband and I did not need to be in social networks, we made our own either going out doing photography and/or  taking rides on our motorcycle. Yes, we were in a riding club, but even than if other members did not want to ride with us we didn't care, we still went on the ride alone.

I was watching this video on YouTube the other day about these four people talking about losing their spouses. One of the ladies I could identify with almost 100%.  She went on to talk about when her husband died and she went from being a couple to a single person, their friends did not fully know how to act around her anymore. I have experienced this so much especially with members from our riding club. I had this crazy idea that the guys were my friends too... but actually I found out they were only my husband's friends, besides my husband hated the thought of me having a guy as a friend... which was one of many hurdles we had to walk through in our marriage.

The holidays were really a trip on different levels. First you are going through this very emotional grief process, especially in my case since I lost my husband 10 days before our anniversary and 9 days before the holidays officially started.  You want to be involve with family gatherings and I was invited to dinner a few times, but with the exception of one family gathering, I chose to stay at home. I did not want to be around people and cast any negative energy on their holidays.  I found myself doing a lot of crying alone but not because of being alone on the holidays just the fact of losing my husband. He was never a big holiday kind of person so getting through the holidays was not that hard...but the fact of him not being here really hurt.

The day I came home after my husband died

Once I left the funeral home after making arrangements for my husband's cremation, all I could think about was picking up our little dog at the vets. I had to board her there for a couple of days while my husband was in the hospital.  When Sweetie and I worked into the front door... the first thing she did was run to my husband's chair and jumped up on it.  After she figured out he was not there, she and I sat on the floor and we cried.  Well, she whined for him, and I cried for him.

My husband and I did not have children, he had two from a previous marriage that he no longer had contact with which was a joint decision, and I have never had children.  So Sweetie, is basically the closest thing to a child I have.   I am not even sure I slept that night, I know I kept Sweetie out of her carrier and let her sleep with me on the couch.. I just could not face going into the bedroom, it was hard enough sitting in the living room which actually became my husband's only place he could get a couple of hours of sleep due to his pain-but this is my home and I had no choice.

 

The next day, my brother came over and he and I cleaned out the closet and packed my husband's clothes and donated them to a an organization that helps Veteran families. I packed two boxes with some of his motorcycle things and have them tucked away in the closet.  My husband was the type of man that would give you the shirt off of his back so donating his clothes is something he would have wanted.

I had literally torn the bedroom apart, and rearranged it, bought new sheets, comfort, curtains and so on. I made the bedroom mine.  I have tried sleeping in there and actually slept in there three times since November. For right now, Sweetie and I just find comfort sleeping on the couch with my husband's blanket.

I remember trying to focus on my online business because now that I am single, I have to make a lot of decisions about my future.  But I could not focus on anything.  Instead, I kept searching for online support groups for grieving spouses. I found a few chat rooms that talked about everything except for grieving, so needless to say I did not stay in them but a few minutes.  I searched for online forums and found one that seemed to be pretty good except only one person did most of the posting and of course I tried to share some things but instead of helping me, it just caused more pain.

Hospice called me and offered me counseling and the invitation is open for a year.  I have yet to take them up on their offer, I am just dealing with some issues with that as well.  You just become so tired of talking about your spouse's death and the processes you have to go through.  A few days after my husband's passing, I had so much support from friends and family, but there comes a time when everyone stops calling, the cards stop coming, and you feel like you have become a burden on everyone. Although, I know everyone who was supporting me did not see me as a burden, I developed that concept on my own because of the kind of person I am.  I am the one everyone comes too when they have problems....I am not the one who goes to anyone for support. 

So falling humble has become a very hard learning experience for me. I have said this a hundred times and will say it another hundred times, if it was not for my sister, brother-in-law and my brother, I know for a fact I would not have made it through this. My brother-in-law stepped in when I was walking in a fog and for eternity I will be grateful for that.

A whirl wind came through and knocked me on my ass

Image can be purchased from: Little Angel

That statement holds the whole ball of activities of my husband's passing. It happened so fast that to be honest I find myself still today almost two months after his passing, still trying to catch up.  I had been caring for my husband since June 2014 that is when we found out his cancer had returned.  The in between time of going back and forth to the doctors, going to the hospitals for test after test after test, and chemo than radiation my husband kept getting worst every day.  It was during the weekend my husband told me (by this point he was losing his speech and train of thought) he wanted to find out what in the hell was going on. Why he was feeling so much worse than before the chemo and radiation. So that Monday he was suppose to go for another radiation session and I called them and explained he wasn't going to go and went on to tell them more of his symptoms.  They said I needed to get him to the hospital a.s.a.p.  He couldn't walk so I had to call in medical people to help me get him to the hospital.

At the hospital he began to lose control of his bladder and they kept running different test on him and finally the doctor told me they were keeping him over night.  The head doctor pulled me outside of the room and started talking to me about my husband's will and living will.  I explained to him that the doctor who was giving him radiation for his brain cancer told me my husband had about six months to live.  The doctor currently talking to me said things were not looking good at all, that my husband had developed a blood clot in his leg . So still going on what the brain cancer doctor told me, I thought okay, so we will admit him and they can fix whatever was going on.  The more test them ran, the more they kept finding. The cancer was now in his lungs and his organs were beginning to shut down. All of this was happening on Tuesday. By Tuesday afternoon, my husband could no longer talk, his skin started changing colors and hospice came in and I signed the papers at 8:00 PM to put him under hospice care. My objective was I did NOT want him in pain.

At 11:00 I had a nurse sit with my husband long enough for me to take a shower.  I had not slept but a few hours since  the weekend up to this point. After my shower I pulled my chair up as close to the bed as I could, reached over to hold my husband's hand and closed my eyes for a second (it seemed). At 1:00 AM I looked over at my husband and I thought finally he is resting....I got up and walked to the other side of the bed and placed my hands on his. I could not see his chest moving and his eyes were half open, I kept repeating his name...but no response. I ran down the hall and got the nurse and when she seen him and checked his vitals, she said he had passed.

It was at this point I thought my husband and the nurse both were screwing with me...playing a very sick joke. Another part of me thought I was dreaming and having a nightmare and couldn't wake up.  When they declared him dead, I still did not believe he was gone. He swore to me he would never leave me... and I believed him. But he was gone....Than the damn what ifs popped in, what if I hadn't taken him to the hospital, would he still be alive? What was I thinking... he is not gone, he is just pretending or something. Oh, my God.... I do not believe any person could ever fully describe the feelings that goes through your spirit when you not only find your spouse dead, but when you hear the nurse say he is gone.  It was like someone was talking through an empty wrapping paper tube and they were talking from another dimension or something.  It was crazy!  I never would have dreamed in a million years, I would be leaving the hospital without my husband. 

Life After a Spouses Death

  Image For Sale at: Little Angel

Just writing the words 'Life After a Spouses Death' seems strange, almost like a cliche.  There is nothing simple about going through a grieving process.  There are no books written that says you must grieve this way or that way. Each person is going to grieve the way they need too after their spouse passes away.  So basically in short, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

I have not been around a lot of death in my lifetime. Yes, I have had a few loses but truthfully, just not that many.  It wasn't until the past two-three years; death seemed to be knocking at the door of several people I know and loved- including my 14 year old pet. Just being honest I never would have thought I would have to see as much death as I have seen lately.  I have learned that each death had its own grieving process, each death touches different parts within your heart, each death reacts different because the love we carry for each other is different.  Yes, if a friend's family member dies, you will be sad and try to comfort your friend as much as possible. But at the end of the day, you get to go home and have your life, while your friend sits there and grieves. That is not being ugly, that is truly just being honest.

When my little 14 year old yorkie died, it broke my heart. I cried so much after he died,  days, weeks, months and even a few years after his death I still cry. People that know me were sad for me, but they did not have the connection with him like I had. That is what I mean by saying you get to go home at the end of the day and carry on with your life, while the person who is grieving sits alone and cries.  I have learned; this is another step in the grieving process.

My husband of twelve years passed away November 19th 2014 from cancer.  He died exactly seven months after his mother died of cancer and I loved her as if she was my own mother.  My grieving process has taken me to some very dark places and it has taken me to some places I cannot even describe.  I remember days after my husband died, in my mind I thought he was just playing a sick joke on me.  Although, I am the one that found him dead in the hospital bed, in my mind I just refused to believe he was gone.

I cannot speak about how other people handles someone's death, I can only share my own experiences and things I do and have done to try and figure out how to live life as a single person. Although my husband and I bucked horns like no tomorrow, we were best friends and after spending most of our time together for those twelve years you become accustom to certain things in life and the things you do.  To this day, although I miss him, the daytime does not affect me as much until the clock reaches 6:00 and that is when a lot of different things begins to hit me.

Every single day (since 2005-that is when he got me drinking coffee) when he came in from work which was 6:00 in the evening, I would have a cup of coffee waiting on him and together we would sit there drinking coffee and he would tell me about his day, or sometimes we just said nothing, we just there drinking our coffee. I cherished those times as we experienced them, and today I miss them more than I ever thought I would.

When you are the care-taker of someone who is sick, day after day, week after week, month after month.. something happens inside you.  You watch a person you knew drain down to something you could never imagine-you watch the sickness and the disease slowly eating away at them and what hurts the most, there is not a damn thing you can do! Yes, you care for them, yes you try to comfort them, my husband use to tell me just me being there with him meant the world to him.  Towards the end, my husband would freak out literally if I left his sight for too long. It got to the point if I needed to leave the house, I would rust and do what I had to do just so I would not leave him alone for too long.