Decisions have to be made

One of the worst things you do not even want to think about is making decisions. I do not care on what level, I just hate making any decision for anything.  Unfortunately, it is also part of this whole process.....

As of today (Jan 16, 2015) in three days my husband  has been gone for 2 months now.  In a video I found on YouTube (which I mentioned in other post) one of the ladies talking about her grief, shared that she immediately took off her wedding rings. She went on to explain that seeing them each and every day just made her hurt and long for her husband more.  Yes, I finally made the decision to take my wedding rings off.  It took me a while, but for me personally it was time.  On the flip side of this, when the nurse  that took my husband's vitals and said he had died, within minutes I asked her to take my husband's wedding band off, which she did and I put it on and cannot even begin to think about taking it off.  Yet, I took my own wedding rings off...

To be honest, I am in no shape to really try and explain why I am doing certain things the way I am.  I just know for me when it is time to take another step that is what I am doing.  Yesterday when I took my wedding rings off, it finally truly hit me that no matter what my husband is gone is he is not coming back.  I have to accept that because no matter how much I hate it, the truth is he is gone.

I finally had to take all of his pictures down. As I was packing up some of more of my husband's things the other day, I was looking at a few photos and the person I was staring at was not the man I found dead in the hospital bed.  That was  a very odd moment for me...I believe on some level that started me thinking about taking off my wedding rings, and finally accepting the fact he was gone.. 

If I was asked what advice I would give to someone who lost their spouse, my reply would be.... do whatever you want to do in the time span you want to do it. If you want to cry for a week, allow yourself to do that. If you want to pack up your spouse's things immediately do it, if you want to wait, do that. Regardless of anything you read, hear or people tell you, YOU are the only one who is going to be able to make it through this experience. Yes, you will have help from friends and family, yes all you will want to do is cuddle up and hide. 

But you will have days you will begin to learn to walk again, and just by taking that one tiny step- is something that is worth more than any gold.  That tiny step is a step you are walking to finding yourself.

As I mentioned before, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  Each of us will do it the way we need to do it. Somewhere, Somehow in the back of your mind, you need to find a focus that is in the long run going to make you stand up and learning to live your life again.  It really sounds like a catch-22 doesn't it... One minute I am saying take all of the time you need to do what you need to do, but on the other hand  keep it in the back of your mind that you need to get your shit together too.

I remember the first few weeks of my husband passing, I did stupid little things like buy me a Keurig Coffee Machine... why? Because my husband only liked instant coffee and I love fresh brew but instead of having two different kinds of coffee I stuck with the instant.  NOW I love my Keurig machine and I see it as just one more step in finding myself.  Another stupid thing I did, I gave all of our towels away and went out and purchased me some pink towels!  Laugh or roll your eyes, it's okay... I think these are stupid things too... but if it takes me doing a million stupid things to get me back on track, I plan on doing each and every one of them.

Oh, and another thing I do... I light candles every single night, and I have a glass of wine or a beer if I want too.  What do they say, do what you have to do to learn how to love yourself again..... think about it!