The day I came home after my husband died

Once I left the funeral home after making arrangements for my husband's cremation, all I could think about was picking up our little dog at the vets. I had to board her there for a couple of days while my husband was in the hospital.  When Sweetie and I worked into the front door... the first thing she did was run to my husband's chair and jumped up on it.  After she figured out he was not there, she and I sat on the floor and we cried.  Well, she whined for him, and I cried for him.

My husband and I did not have children, he had two from a previous marriage that he no longer had contact with which was a joint decision, and I have never had children.  So Sweetie, is basically the closest thing to a child I have.   I am not even sure I slept that night, I know I kept Sweetie out of her carrier and let her sleep with me on the couch.. I just could not face going into the bedroom, it was hard enough sitting in the living room which actually became my husband's only place he could get a couple of hours of sleep due to his pain-but this is my home and I had no choice.

 

The next day, my brother came over and he and I cleaned out the closet and packed my husband's clothes and donated them to a an organization that helps Veteran families. I packed two boxes with some of his motorcycle things and have them tucked away in the closet.  My husband was the type of man that would give you the shirt off of his back so donating his clothes is something he would have wanted.

I had literally torn the bedroom apart, and rearranged it, bought new sheets, comfort, curtains and so on. I made the bedroom mine.  I have tried sleeping in there and actually slept in there three times since November. For right now, Sweetie and I just find comfort sleeping on the couch with my husband's blanket.

I remember trying to focus on my online business because now that I am single, I have to make a lot of decisions about my future.  But I could not focus on anything.  Instead, I kept searching for online support groups for grieving spouses. I found a few chat rooms that talked about everything except for grieving, so needless to say I did not stay in them but a few minutes.  I searched for online forums and found one that seemed to be pretty good except only one person did most of the posting and of course I tried to share some things but instead of helping me, it just caused more pain.

Hospice called me and offered me counseling and the invitation is open for a year.  I have yet to take them up on their offer, I am just dealing with some issues with that as well.  You just become so tired of talking about your spouse's death and the processes you have to go through.  A few days after my husband's passing, I had so much support from friends and family, but there comes a time when everyone stops calling, the cards stop coming, and you feel like you have become a burden on everyone. Although, I know everyone who was supporting me did not see me as a burden, I developed that concept on my own because of the kind of person I am.  I am the one everyone comes too when they have problems....I am not the one who goes to anyone for support. 

So falling humble has become a very hard learning experience for me. I have said this a hundred times and will say it another hundred times, if it was not for my sister, brother-in-law and my brother, I know for a fact I would not have made it through this. My brother-in-law stepped in when I was walking in a fog and for eternity I will be grateful for that.