This too shall pass

I have been faced with a double whammy yesterday and today-Yesterday was my husband's birthday and today he has been gone for exactly two months.  I have been experiencing somewhat roller-coaster days... one minute I feel okay and somewhat balanced and the next minute sorrow tries to creep in and take over.

Like I mentioned in a previous post, whatever your belief is will become a huge stepping stone on your journey.  Yesterday when the sorrow tried to creep in, I took a long hot shower and as I allowed the water to completely envelope me, I silently asked for the water spirits to cleanse my aura and to seal any gaps my energy may have.  As I was doing this, it felt wonderful.  The warm water flowing down my energy... cleansing all of the negative thoughts away, sealing any holes there may have been .... it was just a wonderful experience.  I truly felt better for a little while after the shower, but then it hit me again that it was my husband's birthday.

Early this morning at 1:00 AM just as it did last month (December), I woke up with a horrible sorrow.  At 1:00 AM is when I found my husband in the hospital bed dead. So today, has not been the best day I have had.  The weekend before I took my husband to the hospital, he had an episode during the night and he mumbled (because he was losing his speech) to help him.  This morning when I took Sweetie outside to go to the restroom, one of my neighbors across the street was standing on his porch saying help me!

 

I got over to him as fast as I could with Sweetie freaking out because she does not like strangers... but if I hadn't stopped him, he was about to fall down the porch stairs.  After I got one of his family members outside to help him get inside, as I was walking across the street I thought I was going to faint.  The only thing I could think of was getting Sweetie and myself into the house. Once inside I felt like I was in shock because when I heard my neighbor asking for help, all I could hear was my husband from that weekend asking me for help.

Even though each of us goes through these kind of emotions today, tomorrow will be different. If we feel we need to be sad and grieve today, that is what we need to do.  We hope tomorrow will be brighter, and if it is that will be wonderful, if it isn't we will get through it the best way we can. To be honest, there are a lot of days that I do not know how to make things better... I feel dead inside,  but once Sweetie comes over to me and nuzzles my arm or hand, or she squeezes her head between my arm (yeah, I know don't ask) I swear everything changes.

Sweetie, my little darling has truly whole-heartedly been my lifesaver.  If I could give anyone  grieving a piece of advice today, it would be PLEASE get yourself a dog or cat.  Sweetie is my daily prescription of happiness.  If not for her, it scares me to think where I may be.

If you decide to get yourself a dog or a cat.. please go online and check your local animal shelters. There are a lot of animals that need someone to love, and they need someone to love them back.  I adopted Sweetie from a shelter and today, I thank the Divine every day for bringing her to me.  It has been a hard road for her because whoever owned her before must have treated her horrible....she is scare to death of everything.  But now that it is just her and I, I think we are good for each other and helping each other get through our sadness and hurt.

Speaking of... she is laying at my office doorway looking at me as if to say, Okay Mom it is my time now... let's go outside!

This is my little Sweetie-2014

Even the Moon Brings Memories

The first night at home after my husband's death, I was sitting outside and was looking at the moon.  It was going into the New Moon (or Dark Moon whatever you want to call it) and I can remember how there was only a sliver of the moon showing. This morning two days before his second month of being gone, the moon was the same way as the night he passed.

A Tibetan Master refers to the New Moon as a time to breathe calmly.  It is said in this state you can watch your emotions and not be affected by them.  During the New Moon your higher self gives you visions of your true purpose because during the New Moon represents 'New Beginnings'.

I can tell you during the night of my husband's death, I was anything but calm...the one thing that did hold true for me was it was a time of new beginnings. Once you are left alone without your spouse, you have one of two choices... 1. you honor yourself and give yourself time to grieve than get up and start a new journey on your own, OR 2. you simply give up.  You may have days where you feel like giving up but as I mentioned in other post the next day you will feel different.

Facts are facts, you will never be the same after your spouse passes.  When they died, they take a piece of your heart with them. But with whatever faith you believe in, you can and will survive even something as horrible as this.  But the true bottom line is, is it up to you how you want to handle this.  It is not up to other people to tell you how to feel or how to react, this is your call. That does not mean you have to be a bitch about it, listen and hear what your friends and family are saying...but YOU decide how much of the information you want or need to incorporate into your well-being.

I was wondering this morning, will I always remember and relive the night my husband died when I see the crescent moon? Isn't it somewhat funny how it is always the tiny little things that can often grab our attention and leave memories for a lifetime. Messages are given to each of us each and every day. The afternoon before my husband passed, ravens/crows told me they were there to take him. Of course I did not want to believe it, but they did.  Again, though, it depends on what your faith is as to what you believe or not believe. Being part Cherokee, I follow my spirit and connection to the earth and the messages we are given. People that believe in Christianity like my husband did, believed that whatever happened was in God's hand.

Your faith regardless of what it is, will become a powerful stepping stone for you.  Soon you will be able to at least accept the fact that things do happen in life and it is up to use to make the memories we want to carry on.  We honestly only have this minute, and it takes building from this minute to either live and move forward, or close yourself off to life.  Just remember this one thing, you are a strong individual, you may not believe that at the moment, but you are. I hate cliché's that say:  this experience is what  makes us who we are, but in the 57 years of life I have seen, every experience has made me into the person I am today,  The same thing goes for you as well. Just think about it......

Decisions have to be made

One of the worst things you do not even want to think about is making decisions. I do not care on what level, I just hate making any decision for anything.  Unfortunately, it is also part of this whole process.....

As of today (Jan 16, 2015) in three days my husband  has been gone for 2 months now.  In a video I found on YouTube (which I mentioned in other post) one of the ladies talking about her grief, shared that she immediately took off her wedding rings. She went on to explain that seeing them each and every day just made her hurt and long for her husband more.  Yes, I finally made the decision to take my wedding rings off.  It took me a while, but for me personally it was time.  On the flip side of this, when the nurse  that took my husband's vitals and said he had died, within minutes I asked her to take my husband's wedding band off, which she did and I put it on and cannot even begin to think about taking it off.  Yet, I took my own wedding rings off...

To be honest, I am in no shape to really try and explain why I am doing certain things the way I am.  I just know for me when it is time to take another step that is what I am doing.  Yesterday when I took my wedding rings off, it finally truly hit me that no matter what my husband is gone is he is not coming back.  I have to accept that because no matter how much I hate it, the truth is he is gone.

I finally had to take all of his pictures down. As I was packing up some of more of my husband's things the other day, I was looking at a few photos and the person I was staring at was not the man I found dead in the hospital bed.  That was  a very odd moment for me...I believe on some level that started me thinking about taking off my wedding rings, and finally accepting the fact he was gone.. 

If I was asked what advice I would give to someone who lost their spouse, my reply would be.... do whatever you want to do in the time span you want to do it. If you want to cry for a week, allow yourself to do that. If you want to pack up your spouse's things immediately do it, if you want to wait, do that. Regardless of anything you read, hear or people tell you, YOU are the only one who is going to be able to make it through this experience. Yes, you will have help from friends and family, yes all you will want to do is cuddle up and hide. 

But you will have days you will begin to learn to walk again, and just by taking that one tiny step- is something that is worth more than any gold.  That tiny step is a step you are walking to finding yourself.

As I mentioned before, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  Each of us will do it the way we need to do it. Somewhere, Somehow in the back of your mind, you need to find a focus that is in the long run going to make you stand up and learning to live your life again.  It really sounds like a catch-22 doesn't it... One minute I am saying take all of the time you need to do what you need to do, but on the other hand  keep it in the back of your mind that you need to get your shit together too.

I remember the first few weeks of my husband passing, I did stupid little things like buy me a Keurig Coffee Machine... why? Because my husband only liked instant coffee and I love fresh brew but instead of having two different kinds of coffee I stuck with the instant.  NOW I love my Keurig machine and I see it as just one more step in finding myself.  Another stupid thing I did, I gave all of our towels away and went out and purchased me some pink towels!  Laugh or roll your eyes, it's okay... I think these are stupid things too... but if it takes me doing a million stupid things to get me back on track, I plan on doing each and every one of them.

Oh, and another thing I do... I light candles every single night, and I have a glass of wine or a beer if I want too.  What do they say, do what you have to do to learn how to love yourself again..... think about it!

Promises Made, and Promises Broken

Okay, as cold as it sounds trust me on this one, be sure all of your financial matters are written out, signed and legal. I am faced with a very odd situation where my husband did not do something he should have because he trusted his family member to do the right thing.  As many times as I talked to  him about this situation, he kept telling me over and over this situation will be okay because his family member would never do something that was not fair.  By the time my husband realized he needed to do something to secure this situation it was too late because his speech became limited and his train of thought was so bad he refused to talk to anyone. Now I am faced to handle this situation on my own, and there is nothing to go on except here say.  I did find a legal document that I could use if I want to hire an attorney but that is just something else I need to decide on here soon.

Don't get me wrong, I was not an old fashion housewife that did not know anything.  Actually, I was very independent in my marriage, in the twelve years we were married. I tried to lay back some and let my husband handle some things... NOW I realize I should have carried on learning the way I was before he and I got married.

Even though I have a ton of things that need taking care of... I still have days where I do not want to think about anything, do anything, or be involved with anything. I just want to hide and continue to slap myself out of this nightmare I am living in.  Life after a spouse passes is like standing up learning to walk for the first time. And sometimes the sadness of my loss just really lays heavy on my shoulders and I could care a less about anything that needs done. But the next day I look at things through a new day prospective and get up and keep battling. So I suppose the saying each new day is a blessing, is very true.

Google Search has been my saving grace. Of course I will always be thankful and grateful to my friends and family, but having Google Search has been a life jacket for me. As I have mentioned before, when you are grieving you just get so tired of talking about things...but there are things that you are going through and you need to know if there are rational explanations for them or not. Yes, some may appear to be paranormal, but some are just flat out things that makes you feel like you are losing your mind.  I am suffering Separation Anxiety really badly along with social phobia.

Towards the end, my husband could no longer sleep in the bed, when he tried both he and I were up most of the night fighting different battles with his disease.  So my Separation Anxiety really started before he passed because I hated being in bed without him, yet I couldn't sleep with him in bed with me... so it meant me going without a sleep which was okay as long as I could be in a room with him.

Some of the post I have found online talked about the wife being eerie at night due to paranormal things. Now the paranormal is something I am more than aware of.  I have experienced things since very early childhood and it continues to this day.  My husband always promised me two things:  One he would never haunt me, and the other one he would never leave me. I know for a fact he is watching over me and even hangs around here a lot. Sweetie will always sit outside my office door staring upward as if someone was standing in front of her, not to mention she runs around like she is playing catch with someone.

I choose to not acknowledge my husband if it is him here (paranormally speaking) because I desperately need closure.  I suppose that sounds cold as hell, but it is taking everything I have to move forward and find some kind of direction in my life. Part of me feels like getting in the jeep and just taking off.. getting away from all of the memories of this home. There is nothing holding me down. Financially speaking that is not a wise decision-mentally speaking it feels like the perfect thing to do.  But would that be considered running away from my problems? Just another thing I have to think about. 

I have learned that promises made now are only figments of a child's imagination. I use to be a huge stickler on promises, if you broke a promise you made to me, meant a trust flag would go up... now after the promises made and the promises broken, they are just words that someone gives to another in hopes of making the person feel good and/or secure.

A whirl wind came through and knocked me on my ass

Image can be purchased from: Little Angel

That statement holds the whole ball of activities of my husband's passing. It happened so fast that to be honest I find myself still today almost two months after his passing, still trying to catch up.  I had been caring for my husband since June 2014 that is when we found out his cancer had returned.  The in between time of going back and forth to the doctors, going to the hospitals for test after test after test, and chemo than radiation my husband kept getting worst every day.  It was during the weekend my husband told me (by this point he was losing his speech and train of thought) he wanted to find out what in the hell was going on. Why he was feeling so much worse than before the chemo and radiation. So that Monday he was suppose to go for another radiation session and I called them and explained he wasn't going to go and went on to tell them more of his symptoms.  They said I needed to get him to the hospital a.s.a.p.  He couldn't walk so I had to call in medical people to help me get him to the hospital.

At the hospital he began to lose control of his bladder and they kept running different test on him and finally the doctor told me they were keeping him over night.  The head doctor pulled me outside of the room and started talking to me about my husband's will and living will.  I explained to him that the doctor who was giving him radiation for his brain cancer told me my husband had about six months to live.  The doctor currently talking to me said things were not looking good at all, that my husband had developed a blood clot in his leg . So still going on what the brain cancer doctor told me, I thought okay, so we will admit him and they can fix whatever was going on.  The more test them ran, the more they kept finding. The cancer was now in his lungs and his organs were beginning to shut down. All of this was happening on Tuesday. By Tuesday afternoon, my husband could no longer talk, his skin started changing colors and hospice came in and I signed the papers at 8:00 PM to put him under hospice care. My objective was I did NOT want him in pain.

At 11:00 I had a nurse sit with my husband long enough for me to take a shower.  I had not slept but a few hours since  the weekend up to this point. After my shower I pulled my chair up as close to the bed as I could, reached over to hold my husband's hand and closed my eyes for a second (it seemed). At 1:00 AM I looked over at my husband and I thought finally he is resting....I got up and walked to the other side of the bed and placed my hands on his. I could not see his chest moving and his eyes were half open, I kept repeating his name...but no response. I ran down the hall and got the nurse and when she seen him and checked his vitals, she said he had passed.

It was at this point I thought my husband and the nurse both were screwing with me...playing a very sick joke. Another part of me thought I was dreaming and having a nightmare and couldn't wake up.  When they declared him dead, I still did not believe he was gone. He swore to me he would never leave me... and I believed him. But he was gone....Than the damn what ifs popped in, what if I hadn't taken him to the hospital, would he still be alive? What was I thinking... he is not gone, he is just pretending or something. Oh, my God.... I do not believe any person could ever fully describe the feelings that goes through your spirit when you not only find your spouse dead, but when you hear the nurse say he is gone.  It was like someone was talking through an empty wrapping paper tube and they were talking from another dimension or something.  It was crazy!  I never would have dreamed in a million years, I would be leaving the hospital without my husband.