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Sunday, January 11, 2015

Life After a Spouses Death

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Just writing the words 'Life After a Spouses Death' seems strange, almost like a cliche.  There is nothing simple about going through a grieving process.  There are no books written that says you must grieve this way or that way. Each person is going to grieve the way they need too after their spouse passes away.  So basically in short, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

I have not been around a lot of death in my lifetime. Yes, I have had a few loses but truthfully, just not that many.  It wasn't until the past two-three years; death seemed to be knocking at the door of several people I know and loved- including my 14 year old pet. Just being honest I never would have thought I would have to see as much death as I have seen lately.  I have learned that each death had its own grieving process, each death touches different parts within your heart, each death reacts different because the love we carry for each other is different.  Yes, if a friend's family member dies, you will be sad and try to comfort your friend as much as possible. But at the end of the day, you get to go home and have your life, while your friend sits there and grieves. That is not being ugly, that is truly just being honest.

When my little 14 year old yorkie died, it broke my heart. I cried so much after he died,  days, weeks, months and even a few years after his death I still cry. People that know me were sad for me, but they did not have the connection with him like I had. That is what I mean by saying you get to go home at the end of the day and carry on with your life, while the person who is grieving sits alone and cries.  I have learned; this is another step in the grieving process.

My husband of twelve years passed away November 19th 2014 from cancer.  He died exactly seven months after his mother died of cancer and I loved her as if she was my own mother.  My grieving process has taken me to some very dark places and it has taken me to some places I cannot even describe.  I remember days after my husband died, in my mind I thought he was just playing a sick joke on me.  Although, I am the one that found him dead in the hospital bed, in my mind I just refused to believe he was gone.

I cannot speak about how other people handles someone's death, I can only share my own experiences and things I do and have done to try and figure out how to live life as a single person. Although my husband and I bucked horns like no tomorrow, we were best friends and after spending most of our time together for those twelve years you become accustom to certain things in life and the things you do.  To this day, although I miss him, the daytime does not affect me as much until the clock reaches 6:00 and that is when a lot of different things begins to hit me.

Every single day (since 2005-that is when he got me drinking coffee) when he came in from work which was 6:00 in the evening, I would have a cup of coffee waiting on him and together we would sit there drinking coffee and he would tell me about his day, or sometimes we just said nothing, we just there drinking our coffee. I cherished those times as we experienced them, and today I miss them more than I ever thought I would.

When you are the care-taker of someone who is sick, day after day, week after week, month after month.. something happens inside you.  You watch a person you knew drain down to something you could never imagine-you watch the sickness and the disease slowly eating away at them and what hurts the most, there is not a damn thing you can do! Yes, you care for them, yes you try to comfort them, my husband use to tell me just me being there with him meant the world to him.  Towards the end, my husband would freak out literally if I left his sight for too long. It got to the point if I needed to leave the house, I would rust and do what I had to do just so I would not leave him alone for too long. 

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