Taking One Day at a Time

Of course all any of us can do is basically take one second at a time, one minute at a time so on and so forth. Trying to rebuild your life after losing a spouse is exactly that... taking one day at a time. I have days where I can actually put one foot in front of the other and take a step forward. Other days I have no drive, sit and cry and I have days where I am so freaking mad I cannot stand being around myself.

I remember just a couple of weeks ago, I decided I was going to go and do some photography. I charged up my batteries, packed my equipment and drove up to the botanical garden.  Keep in mind, here in Georgia it is winter and not a whole lot to see especially out in the botanical gardens. But being out in that fresh air, walking the grounds did my mind a world of good. I did find some interesting things to photograph.  I had a few memories flood me of when my husband went with me to do photography at the gardens, but soon he became burned out and stop wanting to go with me.  For me, I can go to the gardens and each time find new and wonderful things to photograph.

Going to the botanical gardens was indeed a great step in my favor. Learning to do things alone can be a bit challenging, yet it can be rewarding too. I was on no time table except my own. I could stay as long as I wanted too, or leave exactly when I wanted too...the bottom line, it was a step in my freedom lifestyle.

Waking up each and every morning knowing that everything in the household is your full responsibly can be a bit overwhelming. Since we are currently experiencing some very cold weather here in Georgia, the other day I had to do a Google Search for preparing for freezing temperatures. Yeah, I know doesn't sound that hard but my husband took care of a lot of that stuff.  I remember a few years ago, during a freezing spell, one of the pipes outside that we attach the hose too cracked.  Although, it was fixed I still worried about it so I had some of this stuff and wrapped the pipe up. If it was necessary or not I do not know, it just gave me a little peace of mind.  And remembering to allowing the faucets drip. Something as simple as this is, I had a hard time getting the right drip motion (because I do not want a sky high electricity bill) so it took me a little bit to get that right. Then I ended up checking on all of the faucets several times trying to make sure they were still dripping-if the pipes break, I do not have a clue what to do about it.

Oh, and then the car. Back in October after one of my husband's chemo session against my better judgments I let him drive.  Everything inside of me was telling me not to let him drive but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I was going to let him drive home.   No sooner when we left the hospital about five minutes later we were in a accident. My husband hit the car in front of us and he totaled the front end of my car.  So having to find a vehicle fast I found a very inexpensive jeep and my thoughts were.... I would get the jeep so he could drive it to work after he got well and I would get another car afterwards. Well, my jeep rains on the inside of the vehicle and better yet...the windshield does not freeze on the outside, but it freezes on the inside! I know that sounds crazy as hell but it's the truth.  So now I am left with the decision... do I spend the money and figure out what is wrong with my jeep, or do I cut my loses and find a reliable vehicle, because in all honesty I cannot be without a car!

It is little things like this that makes my mind spin out of control. Don't even get me started on what I am going to do as far as income goes. Do I go back to work full time, or do I continue to do what I am doing? The one advantage I have that a lot of people don't is I know how to live with hardly nothing and be happy. I still remember my homestead skills and if I need too I could result back to them. I understand what everyone is saying, take your time...things will work out. Yes, that is true I am sure, but walking in my shoes facing the things I am is totally different when you have to do it.

 

I know I have to take one step at a time, and I am truly trying to do that. Live in the moment, that too I am trying to do but it is difficult a lot of the time, knowing I need to make some decisions that are pretty heavy-and I have me to rely on, Sweetie is my full responsibility and one of the worst experiences with her so far is having to take her outside when it is pouring down raining. My husband always did that....not it is my responsibly.