A whirl wind came through and knocked me on my ass

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That statement holds the whole ball of activities of my husband's passing. It happened so fast that to be honest I find myself still today almost two months after his passing, still trying to catch up.  I had been caring for my husband since June 2014 that is when we found out his cancer had returned.  The in between time of going back and forth to the doctors, going to the hospitals for test after test after test, and chemo than radiation my husband kept getting worst every day.  It was during the weekend my husband told me (by this point he was losing his speech and train of thought) he wanted to find out what in the hell was going on. Why he was feeling so much worse than before the chemo and radiation. So that Monday he was suppose to go for another radiation session and I called them and explained he wasn't going to go and went on to tell them more of his symptoms.  They said I needed to get him to the hospital a.s.a.p.  He couldn't walk so I had to call in medical people to help me get him to the hospital.

At the hospital he began to lose control of his bladder and they kept running different test on him and finally the doctor told me they were keeping him over night.  The head doctor pulled me outside of the room and started talking to me about my husband's will and living will.  I explained to him that the doctor who was giving him radiation for his brain cancer told me my husband had about six months to live.  The doctor currently talking to me said things were not looking good at all, that my husband had developed a blood clot in his leg . So still going on what the brain cancer doctor told me, I thought okay, so we will admit him and they can fix whatever was going on.  The more test them ran, the more they kept finding. The cancer was now in his lungs and his organs were beginning to shut down. All of this was happening on Tuesday. By Tuesday afternoon, my husband could no longer talk, his skin started changing colors and hospice came in and I signed the papers at 8:00 PM to put him under hospice care. My objective was I did NOT want him in pain.

At 11:00 I had a nurse sit with my husband long enough for me to take a shower.  I had not slept but a few hours since  the weekend up to this point. After my shower I pulled my chair up as close to the bed as I could, reached over to hold my husband's hand and closed my eyes for a second (it seemed). At 1:00 AM I looked over at my husband and I thought finally he is resting....I got up and walked to the other side of the bed and placed my hands on his. I could not see his chest moving and his eyes were half open, I kept repeating his name...but no response. I ran down the hall and got the nurse and when she seen him and checked his vitals, she said he had passed.

It was at this point I thought my husband and the nurse both were screwing with me...playing a very sick joke. Another part of me thought I was dreaming and having a nightmare and couldn't wake up.  When they declared him dead, I still did not believe he was gone. He swore to me he would never leave me... and I believed him. But he was gone....Than the damn what ifs popped in, what if I hadn't taken him to the hospital, would he still be alive? What was I thinking... he is not gone, he is just pretending or something. Oh, my God.... I do not believe any person could ever fully describe the feelings that goes through your spirit when you not only find your spouse dead, but when you hear the nurse say he is gone.  It was like someone was talking through an empty wrapping paper tube and they were talking from another dimension or something.  It was crazy!  I never would have dreamed in a million years, I would be leaving the hospital without my husband.