Once upon a time

Thoreau Quote

Once upon a time, there use to be this thing called love. Then came along the internet, the world wide  lake of the internet; where there were trillion of fish swimming around.  Many, lonely people would take their fishing poles to the web and sit for just moments and caught more on their line than could ever be expressed.

As each person reeled in their catch all they could think about was I will love you forever and ever.  But once they looked over their shoulders and seen what the other people caught, they turned to look at their catch again and the words I will love you forever and ever became something else too sad to express.

Many fish have been thrown back into the world wide lake of the internet only to lay dormant on the bottom of the floor, in shocked, in pain, never wanting to surface again because of the heartache. In the world of cyber you can be anything you want, you can say anything you want, you can look any way you want. Think about it, who really knows except for you if what you are putting out there is real or pretend?

Many people will open their hearts, they actually get high from emotions that seem real but come to find out many things were only lies and deception.  Who is really the blame? Can we actually always blame the other person? Aren't WE at blame too... shouldn't we know better? Shouldn't we learn after hundreds of attempts to try and find true love from the world wide lake of the internet - that it is not always what it appears to be?

I think about things like this a lot.  I am just like millions of other women I have been reeled in with deceptions and lies, I have been hurt, cried many of nights over situations I had no control over.  I have found love and lost him to cancer - but even he lied to me in the very beginning.   So not everything that comes from the world wide lake of the internet is bullshit - sometimes things may have a little seaweed attached to them, but once you get passed that, sometimes you will find what you are looking for. 

I have been around the internet for many, many moons and have known many people and have actually met some in people-dated a few, married one.  Some the meetings were wonderful, some of them were not and yes, there has been a time or two I was somewhat scared.

The games that are played online are very sick.  What many people do not understand is online when we develop feelings, it is a spiritual connection... something that fully outweighs the physical part.  That is why we are hurt differently and yet more strongly than being hurt in person.  When you are messing with someone's spirit you are biting off more than you ever realize.

I left the web for a few years because I was sick of the lies, deception, hurt, and bullshit.  I have to admit, that has been rambling on in my mind again.  I am way too old to play games and besides to be a 100% honest I am not worth a shit at games because I do not play them.  This is what you get if you don't like it -  fish for someone else. 

Not everyone is out there to play games with you, I have met some beautiful friends that I cherish with all of my heart.  I have met people who said they were a friend but only because they wanted to hook up with my guy friends... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE; if you can see this. It is people like you that poisons the World Wide Lake of the Internet for many others.

The bottom line, there will always be two sides to every coin. Think about who you open up too .. think about all of the possibilities and opportunities there are for people to lie to you. Always walk with caution before you open your spirit to people who say they care, but most important, be above those people and DO NOT PLAY GAMES WITH PEOPLE'S HEARTS!

To Ink or Not to Ink

To Ink or Not to Ink

That is the question

Life's really funny sometimes you know.  Many of us go around in our own little worlds because we do not fit into societies concept of what a normal life is.  So within our own little worlds we run free so speak, thinking we actually do not give shit about what other people say or how they think about us. Guess what in a crazy-kind-of-way that is bullshit too!

With summer here, my usual everyday wardrobe consist of racer back shirts-therefore my ink in all of its glory is seen with no hiding at all.  Why should I have to hide it anyway? My ink tells the story of my late husband's battle with cancer, his recovery and his death.  As I was thinking about this the other day my first thought was, "You dumb ass... why carry the story of someone's journey on your arm?" But then it hit me, his story also became my story because I walked every step of his journey with him.

It's not paranoia when you 'think' you see someone staring at your ink.  All you have to do is have common sense and follow their eyes.  It is like women with large breast, often when they are having conversations with someone, the other person eyes are focused on the woman's breast.  It is the same with tattoos.

I am pretty use to having people stare at my arms, some will admire it, some will think it is sick and others will get prejudge me and think I am something I am not.   Having people stare in one thing.. but if you listen closely, sometimes you will hear how people really feel about ink and especially ink on women.  Sometimes, it truly is a sad fucking world we live in.

So the magic question is this:  to ink or not to ink, that is the question.  My ink truly tells a story... so every inch of it means as much to me as the earlier ones I got years and years ago.  Would I change any of it? Hell no, I would not.  It is easier for me to ignore and close the door on people who want to judge me and/or think my ink is disgusting - than it would be for me to not have someone I want because others do not approve.

My ink is a part of who I am... I do not condemn others for not having tattoos... sometimes I do wonder why some people do not ink,  but it's not any of my business.  If you want to prejudge me because of my ink, that is your right-it's pretty simple really just stay the fuck away from me.  If you do have ink NEVER let someone bring you down if your ink tells a story or means something very special to you. If you have ink and wish you didn't, you can either have it covered with something that means something more to you and/or you can have it removed with laser surgery.

This is your show, dance the story however you want to regardless of what others say.  They will never walk in your shoes, on your path the way you do.  

Let's hop on the coo-coo train

You know there are many different ways to say "Riding the Train",  but the  bottom line or the whole concept boils down to this: Either get on the train and keep moving forward or walk away from the train and find another route.

When we are trying to make a decision about something and sometimes we feel stopped up,  it is during those times we just need to hold our breath and jump off of the train or jump onto the train!!  When we jump -just find another one that feels good that will take us where we need to go.

There is one train ride that really keeps me laughing... The Coconut Oil train as a friend calls it.  Yeah, I was very slow getting on that train- but now that I am on it, I am really digging it.  My hair loves it, trust me on this one.  After you wash your hair and towel dry it...rub some coconut oil in your palms to melt it, rub that through your hair really focusing on the ends. YOU WILL BE AMAZED of the results!   So the Coconut Oil train is a ride I intend to keep on.

I have all of these other things I want to do, but I don't do them, why? Because I don't know why unless it is just being lazy.  SO I decided this morning enough talk about all of this shit, it is time to once again walk my talk...and that is exactly what I am doing.   I use to walk so many miles a week, but got out of it... well I set up my treadmill again and BAM I started walking.  Yeah, I am trying to be good and start slow but I will build the speed and distance up again. But I started on that health train ride again...

There are many times you will be riding a train, and no matter what you try to do, this train keeps falling off track.  You have tried everything you could think of to make it happen, but nothing helps.. Walk the F*ck away from it!  That does not make you weak, or pathetic NOTHING is worth your time when it is not being acknowledged !!

I don't know - to tell you the truth.... sometimes I think my stubbornness turns dead end situations into freaking challenges... The damn cat and mouse game!  I need to fix that because you know what I am not a horrible person, but because of some of  my beliefs I do stop for a little while and try to figure out things, which in turns makes me feel coo-coo... but once you are slapped in the face so many times, baby it is time to WTFA!!  My new slogan:  (If you do not like dirty words stop reading right here) WTFA=Walk- The -Fuck -A way

I am determined when I have tried everything I could think of in making something happen and nothing works, it truly is time to move on and start new adventures.  This will be the second time I wrote this today but Thich Nhat Hanh says that each morning we are given a new 24 hours to bring peace and find mindfulness to ourselves. Whatever train you are trying to ride, make sure that the ride brings you joy and happiness... don't waste your time on trains that are stopped and stagnant and not giving you a good ride. You are worth the best of train rides-and YOU can make that happen!! 

Often Promises are Unrealistic

Beauty in the Simple Things

Each person in life will have that one thing that means the world to them. Other than family, and so on, a life action, word or belief.  A promise to me use to be my one thing that meant the world to me.  I have never made a promise that I did not work my ass off to keep, until my husband passed.

During the time of his sickness, I made promises to him that truly were unrealistic.  At that time my only concern was to make my husband as comfortable - with everything as possible.  I have allowed the guilt of my unrealistic promises to get the better part of me lately.  Than something clicked in my mind, I am a live, I am human or at least going around in a human body... I am allowed to have a life, to breathe with ease, to feel beyond touch.  As a living person if I choose to give up, what does that say about my character?

Don't get me wrong, I have a hell of a long way to go in understanding and forgiving myself. But the truth of the matter is realizing how things react to other actions.  If my husband wasn't so sick, I may of realized the promises he wanted me to make were unrealistic and I wouldn't have made them.  I believe I can say that honestly because I know me the way I do.  And I believe the people that know me the best would agree with me.

Promises and Love both are two words that are thrown around without a second thought today.  There use to be a time when the two words meant a lot.  I suppose that may be one reason why I am going through some of the things I am, because I come from a generation that understood and held words in a great respect.

Coming to terms and realizing today that the promises I made were unrealistic helps me to breathe a little easier.  It's pretty funny once you allow yourself to talk openly to someone-how things begin to make sense again in your mind.  Breaking the unrealistic promises I made does not make me an untrustworthy person.  I believe that was one of the things I hated the thought of.

As time goes on, and the more I am able to release my guilt from this situation,  the faster I believe I will heal.  But as they always say... a journey begins with one step at a time.

Who Are You?

No that is not a trick question.... seriously, if someone asked  you that question how would you answer it?  Well, if you are thinking it is an easy question you are seriously wrong. It is a very deep question that will actually take a little (or a lot) of  time to think about.

Yes, of course you are the obvious you are male or female, you are mother, father, sister, brother. You have a job title, but do those things define who you are? Who is that under-line person that makes you a complete individual? You have to admit it is a very interesting concept to think about.

One of the biggest things in life is we have so many different labels glued to us, that often the underline person becomes an object that sits on the shelf and gathers dust.  Along with who are you-the next question would be.... what do you want to do with your life once you defined who you are?

Tricky, Tricky, Tricky... answer wisely or not.  When we start to describe who we are, you would think that our underlined goals would match up to the description we wrote about our self. Guess what, chances are that is going to be correct.  Once you define who you are, you will also get a handle on what you want from life and/or what you want to do with your life.

This was part of my homework from my therapy session. Guess what, when I was asked who I was... I stared at my therapist like a deer staring into headlights. I was shocked...seriously. So after thinking about it all day yesterday (which by the way I love being asked questions that make me think) and most of the night; when I got up this morning after thinking a little more, I was able to write out, who I am.

So I wrote it out, and along with it things appeared that I want that I did not realize.  So......I decided I wanted to write a post about this and would love to hear your thoughts, if you feel like sharing. I promise it is very interesting and will help you decide what you want out of life.... I am not sure this would be interesting to everyone or not, but I do know some people will find answering this question to be interesting. And believe it or not, it is a question that will teach you things about yourself-you may not have realized were there. 

No Matter How Strong

The Journey Never Ends

I am about to share some pretty private shit...and the reason why, hopefully to help others in some minutiae way.  All of my life my writing and my art has been somewhat odd but to me, very personal and I know exactly what it means. I understand no matter what I write people will see something in it that may not always be the concept of the post.  Don't get me wrong, to each their own, and I will respect that, but I will never be able to completely explain things I write nor will I ever try to do so again.

Through my other post I have expressed  some of the things I am experiencing from the lost of my husband.  I have down days and a few good days but lately I have felt my emotions getting out of hand. Yes, I understand the planets are lined up strange, and yes I understand we are picking up energy from the last eclipse, but there is more going on with me than I can understand.

I have learned that no matter how strong  you are, there are going to be weak moments. You may only have them in private  but I promise every person will have them.  Well, I am having my weak moment which I finally admitted to myself.   I have come to realize I cannot handle all of these emotions by myself and I sure in the hell am not going to burden anyone I care about with my problems.  So I found a therapist, made an appointment and beginning the later part of this week, I will be going to therapy sessions.

I cemented my husband this past November.   I have one of two choices, either I walk around with a cemented soul and feel dead or I fucking  wake up and live. I am making the choice to live.  I am so tired of pushing people away from me.. I allow them to take a few steps towards me and in a flip of a coin I knock them back fifteen steps.

  

Anyway, the whole purpose of writing this post besides hoping it will one day help someone else.. I just wanted to say just because I feel I am having a weak moment , giving in and going to see a therapist, does not make me a weak woman-it just makes me a woman who made a decision to live.  So.... if by chance you have lost someone in your life and you are having an internal battle and feel like you are coming unglued... do a Google search in your area- type in therapist and a list will come up. Go through the list and find one that feels right and has fees you can handle.  You are not being weak if you do that.... it just means you too have made a decision to live. 

Now I know Why

Emotions I Wept

When I created this little angel a few years ago and wrapped her wings around her body, at first I did it because I believe even angel 's weep, but today years later it has a different meaning to me. 

I have written numerous times about my husband's death  and my own grieving process.  Now I know the angel "I wept"  is helping me to cover up my own hurt and pain.  When you go through life being the strong  person who actually lived through some of the most horrible situations- only by luck and the Divine Force-  To show  weakness cuts straight to the bone in a very slow motion. 

I remember being in the hospital finding my husband dead, as I was going down the hall to get a nurse, I felt myself go into a time warp, it felt every step I took was in extreme slow motion.  My emotions felt like a volcano just waiting to explode and I could not even hear my voice. I feel as if I lost something  besides my husband that night, maybe ego? maybe pride? I am not sure.  I just know being in that vulnerable state is one of the hardest things I have had to experience.

My husband's death has left deep wounds on my spirit.    I am nothing like I was before his death.. now I am in the process of trying to figure out who I am.  I get lost a lot these days, I just wrote something today... I keep trying to find a place to hide, but I cannot even find that.  It seems no matter what I try to do, it is okay as long as I am doing something, but when I am finished... WHAM! all of the unbalance, sick, feelings come back.

Have you ever tried walking up an escalator that was going down?  It is a lot harder than you think... that is what I feel my energy is doing.  The closer  I get to fixing  things the further my soul moves away.  I find myself becoming weaker on little things... Goddess knows I love my solitude, but I find myself getting lonely sometimes. That is a new experience for me, I have a beautiful little dog  I want to travel with me but she refuses to get into my car.  As sad as it is sometimes  her company  is not enough.  I know  a lot of the sayings, and I know a lot of things people think, but the cold hard truth is... I don't care who you, there will be times you feel lonely in your life. I even hate writing that word... but it is happening.

Shielding ourselves or wrapping our spiritual wings around our self feels comforting  and safe.  Now I am beginning to realize that truthfully I believe I am wrapping myself in spiritual wings to hide or to pretend I do not exist until I can figure out who in the hell I am. Each of us go through life fighting our own demons, just like I wrote yesterday.... it is always a game between the heart and the brain.