No Matter How Strong

The Journey Never Ends

I am about to share some pretty private shit...and the reason why, hopefully to help others in some minutiae way.  All of my life my writing and my art has been somewhat odd but to me, very personal and I know exactly what it means. I understand no matter what I write people will see something in it that may not always be the concept of the post.  Don't get me wrong, to each their own, and I will respect that, but I will never be able to completely explain things I write nor will I ever try to do so again.

Through my other post I have expressed  some of the things I am experiencing from the lost of my husband.  I have down days and a few good days but lately I have felt my emotions getting out of hand. Yes, I understand the planets are lined up strange, and yes I understand we are picking up energy from the last eclipse, but there is more going on with me than I can understand.

I have learned that no matter how strong  you are, there are going to be weak moments. You may only have them in private  but I promise every person will have them.  Well, I am having my weak moment which I finally admitted to myself.   I have come to realize I cannot handle all of these emotions by myself and I sure in the hell am not going to burden anyone I care about with my problems.  So I found a therapist, made an appointment and beginning the later part of this week, I will be going to therapy sessions.

I cemented my husband this past November.   I have one of two choices, either I walk around with a cemented soul and feel dead or I fucking  wake up and live. I am making the choice to live.  I am so tired of pushing people away from me.. I allow them to take a few steps towards me and in a flip of a coin I knock them back fifteen steps.

  

Anyway, the whole purpose of writing this post besides hoping it will one day help someone else.. I just wanted to say just because I feel I am having a weak moment , giving in and going to see a therapist, does not make me a weak woman-it just makes me a woman who made a decision to live.  So.... if by chance you have lost someone in your life and you are having an internal battle and feel like you are coming unglued... do a Google search in your area- type in therapist and a list will come up. Go through the list and find one that feels right and has fees you can handle.  You are not being weak if you do that.... it just means you too have made a decision to live. 

Now I know Why

Emotions I Wept

When I created this little angel a few years ago and wrapped her wings around her body, at first I did it because I believe even angel 's weep, but today years later it has a different meaning to me. 

I have written numerous times about my husband's death  and my own grieving process.  Now I know the angel "I wept"  is helping me to cover up my own hurt and pain.  When you go through life being the strong  person who actually lived through some of the most horrible situations- only by luck and the Divine Force-  To show  weakness cuts straight to the bone in a very slow motion. 

I remember being in the hospital finding my husband dead, as I was going down the hall to get a nurse, I felt myself go into a time warp, it felt every step I took was in extreme slow motion.  My emotions felt like a volcano just waiting to explode and I could not even hear my voice. I feel as if I lost something  besides my husband that night, maybe ego? maybe pride? I am not sure.  I just know being in that vulnerable state is one of the hardest things I have had to experience.

My husband's death has left deep wounds on my spirit.    I am nothing like I was before his death.. now I am in the process of trying to figure out who I am.  I get lost a lot these days, I just wrote something today... I keep trying to find a place to hide, but I cannot even find that.  It seems no matter what I try to do, it is okay as long as I am doing something, but when I am finished... WHAM! all of the unbalance, sick, feelings come back.

Have you ever tried walking up an escalator that was going down?  It is a lot harder than you think... that is what I feel my energy is doing.  The closer  I get to fixing  things the further my soul moves away.  I find myself becoming weaker on little things... Goddess knows I love my solitude, but I find myself getting lonely sometimes. That is a new experience for me, I have a beautiful little dog  I want to travel with me but she refuses to get into my car.  As sad as it is sometimes  her company  is not enough.  I know  a lot of the sayings, and I know a lot of things people think, but the cold hard truth is... I don't care who you, there will be times you feel lonely in your life. I even hate writing that word... but it is happening.

Shielding ourselves or wrapping our spiritual wings around our self feels comforting  and safe.  Now I am beginning to realize that truthfully I believe I am wrapping myself in spiritual wings to hide or to pretend I do not exist until I can figure out who in the hell I am. Each of us go through life fighting our own demons, just like I wrote yesterday.... it is always a game between the heart and the brain. 

The Heart vs the Brain

She Thinks

Yeah reality is just that... most of the decisions we make in life either comes from our hearts or the brain..and the hard true fact is reality is reality.  I am not writing to make anyone appear to be a first grader but the definition for reality is:  the state of things as they actually exist, as oppose to an idealistic or notional idea of them. Other words, freaking reality is the fact things are what they are.

One of the things most people have is the freedom of choice... we have the right to make a decision.  Often we want to tuck away in a world we create in our minds and visit there often.  It is a place where everything is as we want it.  It is a blissful sense of freedom, excitement, peace and unconditional love. Some would say that could be our reality because basically what we create in our minds is our reality? Right, wrong, indifferent' it doesn't matter, it is our world. Bullshit!

Cut to the core of that world and the reality within our minds- and you are left with confusion, and a freaking game of what the heart wants and the brain saying idiot wake up and smell the damn coffee!  A world of make believe can feed our soul and spirit but the fact of life is we are spiritual beings living in these vessels we call our bodies.. which by the way Thich Nhat Hanh says these bodies do not belong to us, they belong to the earth and we are just the care takers of them.  

On Facebook the other day I shared this saying that says, At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.  There is so much truth in that statement it is almost scary.  The main objective of that statement (to me) is reality is what it is! So yeah, it is true, often it is better to leave people in your heart instead of your life.  Life has so much beauty in it, and because of stupid shit when the heart and brain plays games with you... it makes life seem a little dark when in truth the darkness is in your own eyes not in life.

So many times in life we try to find temporary fixes... I say temporary because you know you do not want something permanently -so you convince yourself it is safer to find a temporary fix.  In REALITY you are just patching a void in your life hoping it will make things better , but soon the patch comes off  and you are once again sitting there with a void.  The only way to handle this kind of situation is to fix the patch permanently and super glue that sucker on... other words fill the void with something that will feed your soul and spirit and make you happy.  A second of happiness is not worth hours, days, or weeks of sadness, confusion, hurt and loneliness.

Living in the moment, cherishing that moment for everything it is worth, is beautiful beyond words... once the moment is over and reality sets in, the truth is-it comes down to the brain and heart playing games.  I am getting to old and too tired to play anymore... games over.

Ostara Spring Equinox-Part 2

One of the most beautiful things associated with Ostara is the egg.  An old wise tale says that many, many years ago, pagan children would give eggs to the goddess as gifts in return for spring coming.  Eggs and seeds alike are full of promise of new life.  It is a sign of rebirth and fertility in all creation.  Many cultures believe the egg symbolizes the whole universe. The egg is a symbol of balance, light and dark, male and female. The golden yoke represents the Sun God and the white represents the Goddess... it is a perfect balance.

Placing eggs on your altar is not only beautiful but has a lot of meanings.  You can use herbs to naturally color eggs.  You will need, water, white vinegar and herbs, fruits and vegetables. Put the eggs you want to color into a pot and add enough water to cover the eggs and cook until they are done. Everyone has different methods, I cook my eggs for 11 minutes others will bring them to a boil, cover turn off heat and allow to set for a little while. Regardless of your method, allow the cooked eggs to completely cool.

 For every cup of herb, fruit or vegetable you make, you will add 3 teaspoons of white vinegar.  Let's say you want to make some purple dye, one choice would be to use purple cabbage. Cut up a handful of purple cabbage, cover with about 1 1/2 cups of water bring to a boil and simmer for 15 minutes. Strain the cooled liquid into a bowl or jar and add 3 teaspoons of white vinegar. Your children can use crayons and draw pictures and designs on the egg than place them into the dye and let them set over night in the fridge.  The colors will not be as bright using herbs, fruits and vegetables but they will be beautiful pastel colors. 

  

Here are just a few examples of natural dyes you can make: Blue: you could use blueberries, elder berries Yellow: marigold petals, turmeric, Orange: carrots, paprika Green: spinach , rosemary Pink: beets, raspberries Purple: red cabbage, red grape juice. Just remember, bring vegetable, fruit or herb to a boil, simmer for 15 minutes, allow to cool, strain and add 3 teaspoons of white vinegar for each cup of liquid you have for each color.

Ostara is a chance of seeing new life, more light and most of all rebirth for everything you want to start over. Blessed Ostara to those who  celebrate it... Happy Spring for those who don't.

Ostara Spring Equinox Part 1

What a beautiful magical time of the year when the mother opens her eyes and all of natures beauty begins to awaken and breathe.  Ostara, the Spring Equinox is a time for fertility and sowing seeds.  It is the time to when mating season begins on all levels. We plant the seeds, nurture them and a plant grows. A seed is planted inside a human and a new child is born. What is there to not love about Ostara? 

Different beliefs celebrate this time according to their path.  Many believe this is a time that marks when the  young Sun God  marries the young Maiden Goddess -who will conceive and in nine months will become the Mother Goddess.  Easter is  celebrated the first Sunday after the full moon after the Spring Equinox. But regardless of what path you walk in life, the one thing in common is the fact all of nature awakens and brings forth some of the most beautiful, breath taken beauty you cannot help but fall in love with!

Ostara (The Spring Equinox) marks the balance of day and night, as the light begins to increase more and more giving all of us more time to tend our gardens and time to watch more beauty around us.  It is a time when you open your windows and allow the air spirits to come through and drive all negativity stale energy away leaving behind nothing but new fresh energy and beautiful smells.

This is a wonderful time to enjoy more leafy green vegetables, nuts and edible flower dishes. There is nothing more beautiful than having a fresh salad with nasturtiums, borage flowers, fresh pansies and other edible flowers. What is even more exciting is going outside in your yard and picking (what some refer to as weeds) fresh dandelion greens, chickweed and wide leaf plantain.  **Word of caution** If you should decide to pick some fresh greens in your yard, you need to make sure no pesticides have been used on them, they are away from road toxins but most important and I CANNOT stress this enough, RESEARCH before you eat anything from your yard. Also, just as a reminder, as you are harvesting your vegetables and flowers, save as many seeds as you can for next year's corps. It is not hard all you do is lay the seeds out and allow them to completely dry in an area will they will not be bothered, bag them after they are dried and label them with the name, and date you dried them.

Once Ostara has arrived, you will notice the daffodils. Usually they are everywhere and to be honest for this photographer I cannot get enough photos of them. Many of the bulbs type flowers like hyacinth, and tulips are beginning to wake up and show their beauty as well. Now if you are a kitchen witch, one thing I know you already do is collect the flowers, dry them and store them to use for different rituals.  One of the most popular things to do during Ostara is redecorate your altar mainly using flowers like daffodils, and other bulbs flowers. Once the flowers begin to fade and finish their cycle, these flowers can be dried, stored and used later.  Daffodils are used for Love, Fertility and luck.  They say if you wear a daffodil flower next to your heart, it will bring good luck.  If you place fresh daffodils in your bedroom it will increase fertility and as with more flower petals, they can be used in love spells but of course love spells should never be placed on anyone but yourself. You must love yourself before you can truly love another person..

Another one of my favorite flowers to dry and save is the Hyacinth. Hyacinth's not only smell sweet as honey but their energy is unbelievable. The hyacinth flowers are used for Love, Protection and Happiness.  They say if you have a pink hyacinth plant growing in your bedroom, it will help guard against nightmares.  As you smell the hyacinth flower it will relieve depression and grief and as like the daffodils, the hyacinth can be used in love rituals. 

Hugs

Reflections

"you have to make him or her very real in your arms, not just for the sake of appearances, patting him on the back to pretend you are there, but breathing conscious and hugging with all your body , spirit and heart." Thich Nhat Hanh

All of my life hugging has been something very important to me. Actually, I am a very good hugger. I am not saying that to sound conceited or superior but I am actually a very good hugger because I hug the way I want to be hugged. This morning when I read Thich Nhat Hanh thoughts on hugging it hit it right on for me, that is how I feel but never knew how to express it.

I know a lot of people who can hug you and it will take your breath away.  You can tell when someone hugs you with their body, spirit and heart.  That kind of hug can actually make you leave this realm for just a few seconds... it is a connection that is expressed so deeply.  I am not talking sexually here although when it comes to hugging sexually that is as important. But I am talking everyday regular meaningful hugs. 

A true hug can make a sad person feel happy, it is a sign of true compassion and a true sign that you really care what the other person is experiencing. To me, hugging and hand shaking are very similar. It actually offends me when someone has a weak limp hand shake. A hand needs to be firm, strong but not breaking your hand strong... strong that lets other people you are confident in who you are.  Hugging falls along the same line... a limp, weak hug feels meaningless. You do not know how many times I have had to bite my tongue not to say something when someone has given me a weak limp hug.

I totally understand each person do things their own way, and I do respect that... just keep in mind the next time you hug someone, your hug could be very healing for them.. either mind, body or spirit.  If you stop and think about it anyway... healing is done on many levels and a hug could be the perfect medicine for someone who is in pain or who is suffering silently.

Let's Play the Yo-Yo Game

Life is amazing sometimes, you take fifteen steps forward on a positive road, and because of one obstacle you fall back ten steps. I have read numerous things how the obstacles on our paths makes the journey more rewarding. I suppose on my good days, I can see the positive side of that, but on my down days it is like a slap in the face.

You study and gather new ideas and you become so motivated and filled with so much excitement and hope, but yet there are yo-yo days that makes you do a  nose dive straight into a hillside...and all you can do is stand there with your mouth dropped open like a cartoon character wondering what in the hell just happened.  One minute you hear echoes ...... all obstacles enhance your path ..... and the next minute you hear this little evil character on your shoulder saying, ' yeah right, WTF is going on!"

I have just recently started studying Buddhism and I truly believe that studying it has been Divine Sent because of all the coincidences that have gathered together bringing me to this moment. For one it has put me on a quest to find the true meaning or way to love without attachment. Trying to incorporate a lot of the Buddhism way of thinking into yourself can be very challenging (at least for me). But in the long run I know it will be very rewarding.

All through my other studies the one major key I have always learned is, you will never learn everything about something... things always change and thank goodness in life we will never stop learning regardless of what you are studying. But damn there has to be a way to take something into yourself and allow it to become one with you without playing the damn yo-yo game.

We take everyday situations and one minute we think yeah, I am cool with this situation.  The next minute you are saying WTF- I deserve better than this!  Or one minute you feel like you are floating in a cloud of softness and the next minute you are dragging your ass across thorns. The freaking yo-yo game... does that make you unstable? I don't think so... if you think differently that is truly cool you are allow to have your own insight, but me personally I do not think that makes me or anyone else unstable.  If you pick a rose and immediately put it into water, soon that rose begins to wilt-which means every second it changes- just like humans change every second.

So see, most of my articles/posts has a beginning and an end...today this is all over the freaking place and it is damn right okay!!  I love something I read this morning by: Thich Nhat Hanh-he said suppose someone standing on the side of a river bank - throws a pebble into the river. The pebble allows itself to sink slowly to the bottom where it rest as the water passes it by.  Too many times in life we try to rush everything we are involved in. And the outcome of rushing everything brings confusion to your mind, your being very much like this post.

I know what I am expressing and not saying here... but I wanted to post this just to show you it is okay to have days like this where everything feels screwed up and you feel like a puppy running in circles chasing your tail.  There are always going to be days where things just do not make sense, tomorrow will be a new day, you will have a fresh start and perhaps you and I both will see things differently. Today...... it's the yo-yo game.