Battle of Opening Up

In life, there are so many different kinds of people battling things that are so hard to explain. Often everything is kept inside and the energy builds.  The  emotions, anger, hurt, jealousy, envy... all related to EGO will soon  build to a powerful ball of energy that will eventually explode.

In reality, we are struck at times with lack of motivation, hurtful feelings from being lied too and all of these emotions turns into a poison inside and it will eventually explode and poison our system. m3meWhy do we let things like this happen? DO we let things like this happen? Are we all just puppets being lead around by a force unseen?  Who in the hell knows really.  The fact of life is we experience things that truly often we just do not understand.

There is one type of personality that is very much related to me.  I am such a private person that opening myself to someone or to a certain kind of emotional feeling is very hard to me.   Often by others I am seen as a strong independent woman, and to a  point I am.  I also have moments of weakness and sadness... and I feel lost.  Sometimes, I even get my 'brave' on and allow myself to feel certain emotions and/or allow people into my life because a higher part of myself wants so desperately to believe in things that are often only seen in fairy tales.

Sometimes I put myself in positions where I walk a double edge sword.  I fight myself to open up, and yet I fight myself to keep a distance.  I fight myself to allow people to love me, yet I fight them to push them away... all the time feeling such strong feelings that those feelings etch themselves into my soul.  I have shared this before with people.. if I say I love you, I will love you throughout life. I may not be in contact with you, I may even walk completely out of your life... but deep within my soul I will always love you.

Can you love more than one person at a time... of course you can.  But loving someone does not always mean you will let them in... a deep emotional, spiritual love is the love that washes through your soul like water running in a lake. That is the kind of love that you battle yourself in opening. Deep within you fear it will hurt you, yet it makes you feel so alive. Here is what I know without a doubt, you cannot love two people at the same time like this.  This is the  kind of love you guard yourself from and try to keep out. You do this because you do not want to be hurt yet you end up hurting anyway. 

No woman, nor man deserves to have to share that energy that love with another person.  To love someone, I mean to truly love someone you must be willing to open and allow that love in and flow through you like water into a lake. Never allow yourself to be second in anyone's life.. you are so much better than that.

One of the main things my late husband taught me was how to love a physical person unconditionally. With all of the beauty and ugliness of each individual the bottom line is love has no eyes.  When I fully allowed his love in (which in my case, unfortunately, was after he passed) I know now why I was faithful to him and he was to me... because we shared a love with each other that washed through us both.  The love/hate emotions we shared was indeed the water rushing into the lake.  The love was soft and smooth, yet rough and hard... but in the end, the love was real.  Once you feel that kind of love, that is when you will truly understand what I am saying

Betrayal, Heartache and Evil

Bittersweet

After I lost my husband to cancer this past November, I have had to put myself into therapy.  That is not a huge secret, I have written about it in some of my other articles- in hopes of it helping others.  I was truly making headway... I was finally beginning to forgive myself for things I had to say to my husband to make him feel  better.  I finally started to open up and allow myself to feel 'life' again.  But you take one step forward and a 100 steps back once betrayal enters the picture. 

One line I hate most in the world is: "just let it roll off your back like water does on a duck's back." Fuck that shit!  Lies, betrayal, heartache and evil all go together and it is not a matter of allowing water to roll off of your back like a duck, it is a matter of waking up and seeing fucking people for who they really are.  You think you have trust and respect for someone... baby, the world is full of con artist that can feed you so many lies, you have no choice but to believe them.  Even when in your inner most private heart area you know something is not right.... you still become star struck from all of the lies you are being fed.

In this kind of situation you want so much to just blame the other person, it is all of their fucking lies that put you where you are in this moment.  Why should any of it be my fault? Right, wrong, indifferent who gives a fuck... when you grow up wearing armor made of steel just to protect yourself against the idiots in the world... you build this comfort zone within and soon you stop allowing yourself to feel anything. But after years and years of wearing this armor... you try to step into the world again in hopes of feeling something.. anything positive. But  death, lies, disrespect, evil... they all wait around each corner you walk, just to give you a good dose of something to feel.

But that still doesn't answer the question does it? Why should other people's lies be my fault too? Because I fell stupid and believed I could trust someone again.  Lessons upon lessons upon lessons... it never stops.  If you get hurt, you want to hurt the other person too... the one thing I have actually learned is I personally do not have to anything.. karma, the divine, spirit guides.. who knows, they will take care of things for you. It may not be today or tomorrow.... but you can bet, it will catch up with you.  I have kissed that bastard too many times in my lifetime, so I know for a fact you cannot hide from it.  In some odd stupid way;  I almost feel sorry for those people... I know how bad the bastard can kick your ass.

Always remember this one thing if you never remember any other word I have written.... there is a huge difference between being dark and evil.  Every one of us has a little darkness in us... it is a balance, almost in a playful dark way.  Evil... well it is out to kill you and destroy any kind of hopes, dreams and light you have been searching for.

Once upon a time

Thoreau Quote

Once upon a time, there use to be this thing called love. Then came along the internet, the world wide  lake of the internet; where there were trillion of fish swimming around.  Many, lonely people would take their fishing poles to the web and sit for just moments and caught more on their line than could ever be expressed.

As each person reeled in their catch all they could think about was I will love you forever and ever.  But once they looked over their shoulders and seen what the other people caught, they turned to look at their catch again and the words I will love you forever and ever became something else too sad to express.

Many fish have been thrown back into the world wide lake of the internet only to lay dormant on the bottom of the floor, in shocked, in pain, never wanting to surface again because of the heartache. In the world of cyber you can be anything you want, you can say anything you want, you can look any way you want. Think about it, who really knows except for you if what you are putting out there is real or pretend?

Many people will open their hearts, they actually get high from emotions that seem real but come to find out many things were only lies and deception.  Who is really the blame? Can we actually always blame the other person? Aren't WE at blame too... shouldn't we know better? Shouldn't we learn after hundreds of attempts to try and find true love from the world wide lake of the internet - that it is not always what it appears to be?

I think about things like this a lot.  I am just like millions of other women I have been reeled in with deceptions and lies, I have been hurt, cried many of nights over situations I had no control over.  I have found love and lost him to cancer - but even he lied to me in the very beginning.   So not everything that comes from the world wide lake of the internet is bullshit - sometimes things may have a little seaweed attached to them, but once you get passed that, sometimes you will find what you are looking for. 

I have been around the internet for many, many moons and have known many people and have actually met some in people-dated a few, married one.  Some the meetings were wonderful, some of them were not and yes, there has been a time or two I was somewhat scared.

The games that are played online are very sick.  What many people do not understand is online when we develop feelings, it is a spiritual connection... something that fully outweighs the physical part.  That is why we are hurt differently and yet more strongly than being hurt in person.  When you are messing with someone's spirit you are biting off more than you ever realize.

I left the web for a few years because I was sick of the lies, deception, hurt, and bullshit.  I have to admit, that has been rambling on in my mind again.  I am way too old to play games and besides to be a 100% honest I am not worth a shit at games because I do not play them.  This is what you get if you don't like it -  fish for someone else. 

Not everyone is out there to play games with you, I have met some beautiful friends that I cherish with all of my heart.  I have met people who said they were a friend but only because they wanted to hook up with my guy friends... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE; if you can see this. It is people like you that poisons the World Wide Lake of the Internet for many others.

The bottom line, there will always be two sides to every coin. Think about who you open up too .. think about all of the possibilities and opportunities there are for people to lie to you. Always walk with caution before you open your spirit to people who say they care, but most important, be above those people and DO NOT PLAY GAMES WITH PEOPLE'S HEARTS!

To Ink or Not to Ink

To Ink or Not to Ink

That is the question

Life's really funny sometimes you know.  Many of us go around in our own little worlds because we do not fit into societies concept of what a normal life is.  So within our own little worlds we run free so speak, thinking we actually do not give shit about what other people say or how they think about us. Guess what in a crazy-kind-of-way that is bullshit too!

With summer here, my usual everyday wardrobe consist of racer back shirts-therefore my ink in all of its glory is seen with no hiding at all.  Why should I have to hide it anyway? My ink tells the story of my late husband's battle with cancer, his recovery and his death.  As I was thinking about this the other day my first thought was, "You dumb ass... why carry the story of someone's journey on your arm?" But then it hit me, his story also became my story because I walked every step of his journey with him.

It's not paranoia when you 'think' you see someone staring at your ink.  All you have to do is have common sense and follow their eyes.  It is like women with large breast, often when they are having conversations with someone, the other person eyes are focused on the woman's breast.  It is the same with tattoos.

I am pretty use to having people stare at my arms, some will admire it, some will think it is sick and others will get prejudge me and think I am something I am not.   Having people stare in one thing.. but if you listen closely, sometimes you will hear how people really feel about ink and especially ink on women.  Sometimes, it truly is a sad fucking world we live in.

So the magic question is this:  to ink or not to ink, that is the question.  My ink truly tells a story... so every inch of it means as much to me as the earlier ones I got years and years ago.  Would I change any of it? Hell no, I would not.  It is easier for me to ignore and close the door on people who want to judge me and/or think my ink is disgusting - than it would be for me to not have someone I want because others do not approve.

My ink is a part of who I am... I do not condemn others for not having tattoos... sometimes I do wonder why some people do not ink,  but it's not any of my business.  If you want to prejudge me because of my ink, that is your right-it's pretty simple really just stay the fuck away from me.  If you do have ink NEVER let someone bring you down if your ink tells a story or means something very special to you. If you have ink and wish you didn't, you can either have it covered with something that means something more to you and/or you can have it removed with laser surgery.

This is your show, dance the story however you want to regardless of what others say.  They will never walk in your shoes, on your path the way you do.  

Let's hop on the coo-coo train

You know there are many different ways to say "Riding the Train",  but the  bottom line or the whole concept boils down to this: Either get on the train and keep moving forward or walk away from the train and find another route.

When we are trying to make a decision about something and sometimes we feel stopped up,  it is during those times we just need to hold our breath and jump off of the train or jump onto the train!!  When we jump -just find another one that feels good that will take us where we need to go.

There is one train ride that really keeps me laughing... The Coconut Oil train as a friend calls it.  Yeah, I was very slow getting on that train- but now that I am on it, I am really digging it.  My hair loves it, trust me on this one.  After you wash your hair and towel dry it...rub some coconut oil in your palms to melt it, rub that through your hair really focusing on the ends. YOU WILL BE AMAZED of the results!   So the Coconut Oil train is a ride I intend to keep on.

I have all of these other things I want to do, but I don't do them, why? Because I don't know why unless it is just being lazy.  SO I decided this morning enough talk about all of this shit, it is time to once again walk my talk...and that is exactly what I am doing.   I use to walk so many miles a week, but got out of it... well I set up my treadmill again and BAM I started walking.  Yeah, I am trying to be good and start slow but I will build the speed and distance up again. But I started on that health train ride again...

There are many times you will be riding a train, and no matter what you try to do, this train keeps falling off track.  You have tried everything you could think of to make it happen, but nothing helps.. Walk the F*ck away from it!  That does not make you weak, or pathetic NOTHING is worth your time when it is not being acknowledged !!

I don't know - to tell you the truth.... sometimes I think my stubbornness turns dead end situations into freaking challenges... The damn cat and mouse game!  I need to fix that because you know what I am not a horrible person, but because of some of  my beliefs I do stop for a little while and try to figure out things, which in turns makes me feel coo-coo... but once you are slapped in the face so many times, baby it is time to WTFA!!  My new slogan:  (If you do not like dirty words stop reading right here) WTFA=Walk- The -Fuck -A way

I am determined when I have tried everything I could think of in making something happen and nothing works, it truly is time to move on and start new adventures.  This will be the second time I wrote this today but Thich Nhat Hanh says that each morning we are given a new 24 hours to bring peace and find mindfulness to ourselves. Whatever train you are trying to ride, make sure that the ride brings you joy and happiness... don't waste your time on trains that are stopped and stagnant and not giving you a good ride. You are worth the best of train rides-and YOU can make that happen!! 

Often Promises are Unrealistic

Beauty in the Simple Things

Each person in life will have that one thing that means the world to them. Other than family, and so on, a life action, word or belief.  A promise to me use to be my one thing that meant the world to me.  I have never made a promise that I did not work my ass off to keep, until my husband passed.

During the time of his sickness, I made promises to him that truly were unrealistic.  At that time my only concern was to make my husband as comfortable - with everything as possible.  I have allowed the guilt of my unrealistic promises to get the better part of me lately.  Than something clicked in my mind, I am a live, I am human or at least going around in a human body... I am allowed to have a life, to breathe with ease, to feel beyond touch.  As a living person if I choose to give up, what does that say about my character?

Don't get me wrong, I have a hell of a long way to go in understanding and forgiving myself. But the truth of the matter is realizing how things react to other actions.  If my husband wasn't so sick, I may of realized the promises he wanted me to make were unrealistic and I wouldn't have made them.  I believe I can say that honestly because I know me the way I do.  And I believe the people that know me the best would agree with me.

Promises and Love both are two words that are thrown around without a second thought today.  There use to be a time when the two words meant a lot.  I suppose that may be one reason why I am going through some of the things I am, because I come from a generation that understood and held words in a great respect.

Coming to terms and realizing today that the promises I made were unrealistic helps me to breathe a little easier.  It's pretty funny once you allow yourself to talk openly to someone-how things begin to make sense again in your mind.  Breaking the unrealistic promises I made does not make me an untrustworthy person.  I believe that was one of the things I hated the thought of.

As time goes on, and the more I am able to release my guilt from this situation,  the faster I believe I will heal.  But as they always say... a journey begins with one step at a time.

Who Are You?

No that is not a trick question.... seriously, if someone asked  you that question how would you answer it?  Well, if you are thinking it is an easy question you are seriously wrong. It is a very deep question that will actually take a little (or a lot) of  time to think about.

Yes, of course you are the obvious you are male or female, you are mother, father, sister, brother. You have a job title, but do those things define who you are? Who is that under-line person that makes you a complete individual? You have to admit it is a very interesting concept to think about.

One of the biggest things in life is we have so many different labels glued to us, that often the underline person becomes an object that sits on the shelf and gathers dust.  Along with who are you-the next question would be.... what do you want to do with your life once you defined who you are?

Tricky, Tricky, Tricky... answer wisely or not.  When we start to describe who we are, you would think that our underlined goals would match up to the description we wrote about our self. Guess what, chances are that is going to be correct.  Once you define who you are, you will also get a handle on what you want from life and/or what you want to do with your life.

This was part of my homework from my therapy session. Guess what, when I was asked who I was... I stared at my therapist like a deer staring into headlights. I was shocked...seriously. So after thinking about it all day yesterday (which by the way I love being asked questions that make me think) and most of the night; when I got up this morning after thinking a little more, I was able to write out, who I am.

So I wrote it out, and along with it things appeared that I want that I did not realize.  So......I decided I wanted to write a post about this and would love to hear your thoughts, if you feel like sharing. I promise it is very interesting and will help you decide what you want out of life.... I am not sure this would be interesting to everyone or not, but I do know some people will find answering this question to be interesting. And believe it or not, it is a question that will teach you things about yourself-you may not have realized were there.