Battle of Opening Up

In life, there are so many different kinds of people battling things that are so hard to explain. Often everything is kept inside and the energy builds.  The  emotions, anger, hurt, jealousy, envy... all related to EGO will soon  build to a powerful ball of energy that will eventually explode.

In reality, we are struck at times with lack of motivation, hurtful feelings from being lied too and all of these emotions turns into a poison inside and it will eventually explode and poison our system. m3meWhy do we let things like this happen? DO we let things like this happen? Are we all just puppets being lead around by a force unseen?  Who in the hell knows really.  The fact of life is we experience things that truly often we just do not understand.

There is one type of personality that is very much related to me.  I am such a private person that opening myself to someone or to a certain kind of emotional feeling is very hard to me.   Often by others I am seen as a strong independent woman, and to a  point I am.  I also have moments of weakness and sadness... and I feel lost.  Sometimes, I even get my 'brave' on and allow myself to feel certain emotions and/or allow people into my life because a higher part of myself wants so desperately to believe in things that are often only seen in fairy tales.

Sometimes I put myself in positions where I walk a double edge sword.  I fight myself to open up, and yet I fight myself to keep a distance.  I fight myself to allow people to love me, yet I fight them to push them away... all the time feeling such strong feelings that those feelings etch themselves into my soul.  I have shared this before with people.. if I say I love you, I will love you throughout life. I may not be in contact with you, I may even walk completely out of your life... but deep within my soul I will always love you.

Can you love more than one person at a time... of course you can.  But loving someone does not always mean you will let them in... a deep emotional, spiritual love is the love that washes through your soul like water running in a lake. That is the kind of love that you battle yourself in opening. Deep within you fear it will hurt you, yet it makes you feel so alive. Here is what I know without a doubt, you cannot love two people at the same time like this.  This is the  kind of love you guard yourself from and try to keep out. You do this because you do not want to be hurt yet you end up hurting anyway. 

No woman, nor man deserves to have to share that energy that love with another person.  To love someone, I mean to truly love someone you must be willing to open and allow that love in and flow through you like water into a lake. Never allow yourself to be second in anyone's life.. you are so much better than that.

One of the main things my late husband taught me was how to love a physical person unconditionally. With all of the beauty and ugliness of each individual the bottom line is love has no eyes.  When I fully allowed his love in (which in my case, unfortunately, was after he passed) I know now why I was faithful to him and he was to me... because we shared a love with each other that washed through us both.  The love/hate emotions we shared was indeed the water rushing into the lake.  The love was soft and smooth, yet rough and hard... but in the end, the love was real.  Once you feel that kind of love, that is when you will truly understand what I am saying

Betrayal, Heartache and Evil

Bittersweet

After I lost my husband to cancer this past November, I have had to put myself into therapy.  That is not a huge secret, I have written about it in some of my other articles- in hopes of it helping others.  I was truly making headway... I was finally beginning to forgive myself for things I had to say to my husband to make him feel  better.  I finally started to open up and allow myself to feel 'life' again.  But you take one step forward and a 100 steps back once betrayal enters the picture. 

One line I hate most in the world is: "just let it roll off your back like water does on a duck's back." Fuck that shit!  Lies, betrayal, heartache and evil all go together and it is not a matter of allowing water to roll off of your back like a duck, it is a matter of waking up and seeing fucking people for who they really are.  You think you have trust and respect for someone... baby, the world is full of con artist that can feed you so many lies, you have no choice but to believe them.  Even when in your inner most private heart area you know something is not right.... you still become star struck from all of the lies you are being fed.

In this kind of situation you want so much to just blame the other person, it is all of their fucking lies that put you where you are in this moment.  Why should any of it be my fault? Right, wrong, indifferent who gives a fuck... when you grow up wearing armor made of steel just to protect yourself against the idiots in the world... you build this comfort zone within and soon you stop allowing yourself to feel anything. But after years and years of wearing this armor... you try to step into the world again in hopes of feeling something.. anything positive. But  death, lies, disrespect, evil... they all wait around each corner you walk, just to give you a good dose of something to feel.

But that still doesn't answer the question does it? Why should other people's lies be my fault too? Because I fell stupid and believed I could trust someone again.  Lessons upon lessons upon lessons... it never stops.  If you get hurt, you want to hurt the other person too... the one thing I have actually learned is I personally do not have to anything.. karma, the divine, spirit guides.. who knows, they will take care of things for you. It may not be today or tomorrow.... but you can bet, it will catch up with you.  I have kissed that bastard too many times in my lifetime, so I know for a fact you cannot hide from it.  In some odd stupid way;  I almost feel sorry for those people... I know how bad the bastard can kick your ass.

Always remember this one thing if you never remember any other word I have written.... there is a huge difference between being dark and evil.  Every one of us has a little darkness in us... it is a balance, almost in a playful dark way.  Evil... well it is out to kill you and destroy any kind of hopes, dreams and light you have been searching for.