Betrayal, Heartache and Evil

Bittersweet

After I lost my husband to cancer this past November, I have had to put myself into therapy.  That is not a huge secret, I have written about it in some of my other articles- in hopes of it helping others.  I was truly making headway... I was finally beginning to forgive myself for things I had to say to my husband to make him feel  better.  I finally started to open up and allow myself to feel 'life' again.  But you take one step forward and a 100 steps back once betrayal enters the picture. 

One line I hate most in the world is: "just let it roll off your back like water does on a duck's back." Fuck that shit!  Lies, betrayal, heartache and evil all go together and it is not a matter of allowing water to roll off of your back like a duck, it is a matter of waking up and seeing fucking people for who they really are.  You think you have trust and respect for someone... baby, the world is full of con artist that can feed you so many lies, you have no choice but to believe them.  Even when in your inner most private heart area you know something is not right.... you still become star struck from all of the lies you are being fed.

In this kind of situation you want so much to just blame the other person, it is all of their fucking lies that put you where you are in this moment.  Why should any of it be my fault? Right, wrong, indifferent who gives a fuck... when you grow up wearing armor made of steel just to protect yourself against the idiots in the world... you build this comfort zone within and soon you stop allowing yourself to feel anything. But after years and years of wearing this armor... you try to step into the world again in hopes of feeling something.. anything positive. But  death, lies, disrespect, evil... they all wait around each corner you walk, just to give you a good dose of something to feel.

But that still doesn't answer the question does it? Why should other people's lies be my fault too? Because I fell stupid and believed I could trust someone again.  Lessons upon lessons upon lessons... it never stops.  If you get hurt, you want to hurt the other person too... the one thing I have actually learned is I personally do not have to anything.. karma, the divine, spirit guides.. who knows, they will take care of things for you. It may not be today or tomorrow.... but you can bet, it will catch up with you.  I have kissed that bastard too many times in my lifetime, so I know for a fact you cannot hide from it.  In some odd stupid way;  I almost feel sorry for those people... I know how bad the bastard can kick your ass.

Always remember this one thing if you never remember any other word I have written.... there is a huge difference between being dark and evil.  Every one of us has a little darkness in us... it is a balance, almost in a playful dark way.  Evil... well it is out to kill you and destroy any kind of hopes, dreams and light you have been searching for.

Once upon a time

Thoreau Quote

Once upon a time, there use to be this thing called love. Then came along the internet, the world wide  lake of the internet; where there were trillion of fish swimming around.  Many, lonely people would take their fishing poles to the web and sit for just moments and caught more on their line than could ever be expressed.

As each person reeled in their catch all they could think about was I will love you forever and ever.  But once they looked over their shoulders and seen what the other people caught, they turned to look at their catch again and the words I will love you forever and ever became something else too sad to express.

Many fish have been thrown back into the world wide lake of the internet only to lay dormant on the bottom of the floor, in shocked, in pain, never wanting to surface again because of the heartache. In the world of cyber you can be anything you want, you can say anything you want, you can look any way you want. Think about it, who really knows except for you if what you are putting out there is real or pretend?

Many people will open their hearts, they actually get high from emotions that seem real but come to find out many things were only lies and deception.  Who is really the blame? Can we actually always blame the other person? Aren't WE at blame too... shouldn't we know better? Shouldn't we learn after hundreds of attempts to try and find true love from the world wide lake of the internet - that it is not always what it appears to be?

I think about things like this a lot.  I am just like millions of other women I have been reeled in with deceptions and lies, I have been hurt, cried many of nights over situations I had no control over.  I have found love and lost him to cancer - but even he lied to me in the very beginning.   So not everything that comes from the world wide lake of the internet is bullshit - sometimes things may have a little seaweed attached to them, but once you get passed that, sometimes you will find what you are looking for. 

I have been around the internet for many, many moons and have known many people and have actually met some in people-dated a few, married one.  Some the meetings were wonderful, some of them were not and yes, there has been a time or two I was somewhat scared.

The games that are played online are very sick.  What many people do not understand is online when we develop feelings, it is a spiritual connection... something that fully outweighs the physical part.  That is why we are hurt differently and yet more strongly than being hurt in person.  When you are messing with someone's spirit you are biting off more than you ever realize.

I left the web for a few years because I was sick of the lies, deception, hurt, and bullshit.  I have to admit, that has been rambling on in my mind again.  I am way too old to play games and besides to be a 100% honest I am not worth a shit at games because I do not play them.  This is what you get if you don't like it -  fish for someone else. 

Not everyone is out there to play games with you, I have met some beautiful friends that I cherish with all of my heart.  I have met people who said they were a friend but only because they wanted to hook up with my guy friends... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE; if you can see this. It is people like you that poisons the World Wide Lake of the Internet for many others.

The bottom line, there will always be two sides to every coin. Think about who you open up too .. think about all of the possibilities and opportunities there are for people to lie to you. Always walk with caution before you open your spirit to people who say they care, but most important, be above those people and DO NOT PLAY GAMES WITH PEOPLE'S HEARTS!