Let's hop on the coo-coo train

You know there are many different ways to say "Riding the Train",  but the  bottom line or the whole concept boils down to this: Either get on the train and keep moving forward or walk away from the train and find another route.

When we are trying to make a decision about something and sometimes we feel stopped up,  it is during those times we just need to hold our breath and jump off of the train or jump onto the train!!  When we jump -just find another one that feels good that will take us where we need to go.

There is one train ride that really keeps me laughing... The Coconut Oil train as a friend calls it.  Yeah, I was very slow getting on that train- but now that I am on it, I am really digging it.  My hair loves it, trust me on this one.  After you wash your hair and towel dry it...rub some coconut oil in your palms to melt it, rub that through your hair really focusing on the ends. YOU WILL BE AMAZED of the results!   So the Coconut Oil train is a ride I intend to keep on.

I have all of these other things I want to do, but I don't do them, why? Because I don't know why unless it is just being lazy.  SO I decided this morning enough talk about all of this shit, it is time to once again walk my talk...and that is exactly what I am doing.   I use to walk so many miles a week, but got out of it... well I set up my treadmill again and BAM I started walking.  Yeah, I am trying to be good and start slow but I will build the speed and distance up again. But I started on that health train ride again...

There are many times you will be riding a train, and no matter what you try to do, this train keeps falling off track.  You have tried everything you could think of to make it happen, but nothing helps.. Walk the F*ck away from it!  That does not make you weak, or pathetic NOTHING is worth your time when it is not being acknowledged !!

I don't know - to tell you the truth.... sometimes I think my stubbornness turns dead end situations into freaking challenges... The damn cat and mouse game!  I need to fix that because you know what I am not a horrible person, but because of some of  my beliefs I do stop for a little while and try to figure out things, which in turns makes me feel coo-coo... but once you are slapped in the face so many times, baby it is time to WTFA!!  My new slogan:  (If you do not like dirty words stop reading right here) WTFA=Walk- The -Fuck -A way

I am determined when I have tried everything I could think of in making something happen and nothing works, it truly is time to move on and start new adventures.  This will be the second time I wrote this today but Thich Nhat Hanh says that each morning we are given a new 24 hours to bring peace and find mindfulness to ourselves. Whatever train you are trying to ride, make sure that the ride brings you joy and happiness... don't waste your time on trains that are stopped and stagnant and not giving you a good ride. You are worth the best of train rides-and YOU can make that happen!! 

Often Promises are Unrealistic

Beauty in the Simple Things

Each person in life will have that one thing that means the world to them. Other than family, and so on, a life action, word or belief.  A promise to me use to be my one thing that meant the world to me.  I have never made a promise that I did not work my ass off to keep, until my husband passed.

During the time of his sickness, I made promises to him that truly were unrealistic.  At that time my only concern was to make my husband as comfortable - with everything as possible.  I have allowed the guilt of my unrealistic promises to get the better part of me lately.  Than something clicked in my mind, I am a live, I am human or at least going around in a human body... I am allowed to have a life, to breathe with ease, to feel beyond touch.  As a living person if I choose to give up, what does that say about my character?

Don't get me wrong, I have a hell of a long way to go in understanding and forgiving myself. But the truth of the matter is realizing how things react to other actions.  If my husband wasn't so sick, I may of realized the promises he wanted me to make were unrealistic and I wouldn't have made them.  I believe I can say that honestly because I know me the way I do.  And I believe the people that know me the best would agree with me.

Promises and Love both are two words that are thrown around without a second thought today.  There use to be a time when the two words meant a lot.  I suppose that may be one reason why I am going through some of the things I am, because I come from a generation that understood and held words in a great respect.

Coming to terms and realizing today that the promises I made were unrealistic helps me to breathe a little easier.  It's pretty funny once you allow yourself to talk openly to someone-how things begin to make sense again in your mind.  Breaking the unrealistic promises I made does not make me an untrustworthy person.  I believe that was one of the things I hated the thought of.

As time goes on, and the more I am able to release my guilt from this situation,  the faster I believe I will heal.  But as they always say... a journey begins with one step at a time.

Who Are You?

No that is not a trick question.... seriously, if someone asked  you that question how would you answer it?  Well, if you are thinking it is an easy question you are seriously wrong. It is a very deep question that will actually take a little (or a lot) of  time to think about.

Yes, of course you are the obvious you are male or female, you are mother, father, sister, brother. You have a job title, but do those things define who you are? Who is that under-line person that makes you a complete individual? You have to admit it is a very interesting concept to think about.

One of the biggest things in life is we have so many different labels glued to us, that often the underline person becomes an object that sits on the shelf and gathers dust.  Along with who are you-the next question would be.... what do you want to do with your life once you defined who you are?

Tricky, Tricky, Tricky... answer wisely or not.  When we start to describe who we are, you would think that our underlined goals would match up to the description we wrote about our self. Guess what, chances are that is going to be correct.  Once you define who you are, you will also get a handle on what you want from life and/or what you want to do with your life.

This was part of my homework from my therapy session. Guess what, when I was asked who I was... I stared at my therapist like a deer staring into headlights. I was shocked...seriously. So after thinking about it all day yesterday (which by the way I love being asked questions that make me think) and most of the night; when I got up this morning after thinking a little more, I was able to write out, who I am.

So I wrote it out, and along with it things appeared that I want that I did not realize.  So......I decided I wanted to write a post about this and would love to hear your thoughts, if you feel like sharing. I promise it is very interesting and will help you decide what you want out of life.... I am not sure this would be interesting to everyone or not, but I do know some people will find answering this question to be interesting. And believe it or not, it is a question that will teach you things about yourself-you may not have realized were there. 

No Matter How Strong

The Journey Never Ends

I am about to share some pretty private shit...and the reason why, hopefully to help others in some minutiae way.  All of my life my writing and my art has been somewhat odd but to me, very personal and I know exactly what it means. I understand no matter what I write people will see something in it that may not always be the concept of the post.  Don't get me wrong, to each their own, and I will respect that, but I will never be able to completely explain things I write nor will I ever try to do so again.

Through my other post I have expressed  some of the things I am experiencing from the lost of my husband.  I have down days and a few good days but lately I have felt my emotions getting out of hand. Yes, I understand the planets are lined up strange, and yes I understand we are picking up energy from the last eclipse, but there is more going on with me than I can understand.

I have learned that no matter how strong  you are, there are going to be weak moments. You may only have them in private  but I promise every person will have them.  Well, I am having my weak moment which I finally admitted to myself.   I have come to realize I cannot handle all of these emotions by myself and I sure in the hell am not going to burden anyone I care about with my problems.  So I found a therapist, made an appointment and beginning the later part of this week, I will be going to therapy sessions.

I cemented my husband this past November.   I have one of two choices, either I walk around with a cemented soul and feel dead or I fucking  wake up and live. I am making the choice to live.  I am so tired of pushing people away from me.. I allow them to take a few steps towards me and in a flip of a coin I knock them back fifteen steps.

  

Anyway, the whole purpose of writing this post besides hoping it will one day help someone else.. I just wanted to say just because I feel I am having a weak moment , giving in and going to see a therapist, does not make me a weak woman-it just makes me a woman who made a decision to live.  So.... if by chance you have lost someone in your life and you are having an internal battle and feel like you are coming unglued... do a Google search in your area- type in therapist and a list will come up. Go through the list and find one that feels right and has fees you can handle.  You are not being weak if you do that.... it just means you too have made a decision to live. 

Now I know Why

Emotions I Wept

When I created this little angel a few years ago and wrapped her wings around her body, at first I did it because I believe even angel 's weep, but today years later it has a different meaning to me. 

I have written numerous times about my husband's death  and my own grieving process.  Now I know the angel "I wept"  is helping me to cover up my own hurt and pain.  When you go through life being the strong  person who actually lived through some of the most horrible situations- only by luck and the Divine Force-  To show  weakness cuts straight to the bone in a very slow motion. 

I remember being in the hospital finding my husband dead, as I was going down the hall to get a nurse, I felt myself go into a time warp, it felt every step I took was in extreme slow motion.  My emotions felt like a volcano just waiting to explode and I could not even hear my voice. I feel as if I lost something  besides my husband that night, maybe ego? maybe pride? I am not sure.  I just know being in that vulnerable state is one of the hardest things I have had to experience.

My husband's death has left deep wounds on my spirit.    I am nothing like I was before his death.. now I am in the process of trying to figure out who I am.  I get lost a lot these days, I just wrote something today... I keep trying to find a place to hide, but I cannot even find that.  It seems no matter what I try to do, it is okay as long as I am doing something, but when I am finished... WHAM! all of the unbalance, sick, feelings come back.

Have you ever tried walking up an escalator that was going down?  It is a lot harder than you think... that is what I feel my energy is doing.  The closer  I get to fixing  things the further my soul moves away.  I find myself becoming weaker on little things... Goddess knows I love my solitude, but I find myself getting lonely sometimes. That is a new experience for me, I have a beautiful little dog  I want to travel with me but she refuses to get into my car.  As sad as it is sometimes  her company  is not enough.  I know  a lot of the sayings, and I know a lot of things people think, but the cold hard truth is... I don't care who you, there will be times you feel lonely in your life. I even hate writing that word... but it is happening.

Shielding ourselves or wrapping our spiritual wings around our self feels comforting  and safe.  Now I am beginning to realize that truthfully I believe I am wrapping myself in spiritual wings to hide or to pretend I do not exist until I can figure out who in the hell I am. Each of us go through life fighting our own demons, just like I wrote yesterday.... it is always a game between the heart and the brain. 

The Heart vs the Brain

She Thinks

Yeah reality is just that... most of the decisions we make in life either comes from our hearts or the brain..and the hard true fact is reality is reality.  I am not writing to make anyone appear to be a first grader but the definition for reality is:  the state of things as they actually exist, as oppose to an idealistic or notional idea of them. Other words, freaking reality is the fact things are what they are.

One of the things most people have is the freedom of choice... we have the right to make a decision.  Often we want to tuck away in a world we create in our minds and visit there often.  It is a place where everything is as we want it.  It is a blissful sense of freedom, excitement, peace and unconditional love. Some would say that could be our reality because basically what we create in our minds is our reality? Right, wrong, indifferent' it doesn't matter, it is our world. Bullshit!

Cut to the core of that world and the reality within our minds- and you are left with confusion, and a freaking game of what the heart wants and the brain saying idiot wake up and smell the damn coffee!  A world of make believe can feed our soul and spirit but the fact of life is we are spiritual beings living in these vessels we call our bodies.. which by the way Thich Nhat Hanh says these bodies do not belong to us, they belong to the earth and we are just the care takers of them.  

On Facebook the other day I shared this saying that says, At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.  There is so much truth in that statement it is almost scary.  The main objective of that statement (to me) is reality is what it is! So yeah, it is true, often it is better to leave people in your heart instead of your life.  Life has so much beauty in it, and because of stupid shit when the heart and brain plays games with you... it makes life seem a little dark when in truth the darkness is in your own eyes not in life.

So many times in life we try to find temporary fixes... I say temporary because you know you do not want something permanently -so you convince yourself it is safer to find a temporary fix.  In REALITY you are just patching a void in your life hoping it will make things better , but soon the patch comes off  and you are once again sitting there with a void.  The only way to handle this kind of situation is to fix the patch permanently and super glue that sucker on... other words fill the void with something that will feed your soul and spirit and make you happy.  A second of happiness is not worth hours, days, or weeks of sadness, confusion, hurt and loneliness.

Living in the moment, cherishing that moment for everything it is worth, is beautiful beyond words... once the moment is over and reality sets in, the truth is-it comes down to the brain and heart playing games.  I am getting to old and too tired to play anymore... games over.

Ostara Spring Equinox-Part 2

One of the most beautiful things associated with Ostara is the egg.  An old wise tale says that many, many years ago, pagan children would give eggs to the goddess as gifts in return for spring coming.  Eggs and seeds alike are full of promise of new life.  It is a sign of rebirth and fertility in all creation.  Many cultures believe the egg symbolizes the whole universe. The egg is a symbol of balance, light and dark, male and female. The golden yoke represents the Sun God and the white represents the Goddess... it is a perfect balance.

Placing eggs on your altar is not only beautiful but has a lot of meanings.  You can use herbs to naturally color eggs.  You will need, water, white vinegar and herbs, fruits and vegetables. Put the eggs you want to color into a pot and add enough water to cover the eggs and cook until they are done. Everyone has different methods, I cook my eggs for 11 minutes others will bring them to a boil, cover turn off heat and allow to set for a little while. Regardless of your method, allow the cooked eggs to completely cool.

 For every cup of herb, fruit or vegetable you make, you will add 3 teaspoons of white vinegar.  Let's say you want to make some purple dye, one choice would be to use purple cabbage. Cut up a handful of purple cabbage, cover with about 1 1/2 cups of water bring to a boil and simmer for 15 minutes. Strain the cooled liquid into a bowl or jar and add 3 teaspoons of white vinegar. Your children can use crayons and draw pictures and designs on the egg than place them into the dye and let them set over night in the fridge.  The colors will not be as bright using herbs, fruits and vegetables but they will be beautiful pastel colors. 

  

Here are just a few examples of natural dyes you can make: Blue: you could use blueberries, elder berries Yellow: marigold petals, turmeric, Orange: carrots, paprika Green: spinach , rosemary Pink: beets, raspberries Purple: red cabbage, red grape juice. Just remember, bring vegetable, fruit or herb to a boil, simmer for 15 minutes, allow to cool, strain and add 3 teaspoons of white vinegar for each cup of liquid you have for each color.

Ostara is a chance of seeing new life, more light and most of all rebirth for everything you want to start over. Blessed Ostara to those who  celebrate it... Happy Spring for those who don't.